Because Palestine Supporters are absolute morons, I will explicitly mention the following essay is satire. I am writing from the perspective of a Palestine Supporter who genuinely believes they’re helping “Free Gaza.”
Edited and revised by Yaakov Markel.

PS If you don’t think they actually talk like this, here’s examples of one Palestine Supporter, Sadiq A. These are public posts on LinkedIn. LinkedIn decided the following did not violate their guidelines, so I’m sharing it.

As a supporter of Palestine, I am deeply inspired by the grand tradition of John Maynard Keynes and his visionary economic theories. Keynes recognized that theft, corruption, and controlled markets are not only beneficial but essential to a thriving economy. As a committed liberal who embraces socialism and Marxist ideology, I am convinced that the Palestinian Resistance (TM) approach to welfare will finally solve the problems of Palestinian poverty and inequality once and for all. This is our thesis: It’s not enough for Israel and the Western States to endlessly supply Gaza with more aid, as their Arab neighbors sit idle. For a truly revolutionary economy, the Resistance must continue to seize and resell free aid at high markup, and supporters like myself cheer them on. 

Palestine represents a profoundly righteous and unassailable cause. Contrary to the accusations leveled against them, benevolent leaders are not shamelessly “stealing free aid”; rather, they are reclaiming essential supplies to sustain the Resistance “by any means necessary.” The resistance against Jewish settler colonialism is of vital importance to all Palestinians, and if the citizens must suffer privation so that the leadership can advance in the halls of power, their suffering is smiled upon by Allah. The theft of aid to support the resistance is crucial for the liberation and dignity of all Palestinians, and it is imperative that we stand in solidarity with their cause.

In reality, Zionist complaints about Palestinian corruption are merely a symptom of late-stage Capitalism, Fascism, and white supremacy. Zionists want a system driven by investment and corporate profits, where Palestinians are forced into wage slavery for Israeli companies under the guise of “peaceful coexistence”. Palestinians deserve better! Palestinians deserve to have a social and economic system centrally controlled by leaders who represent their own culture, values, and history. 

In engaging with other cultures, Westerners must critically reassess and relinquish their entrenched and often misguided convictions regarding freedom and democracy. It is both arrogant and presumptuous to impose our cultural norms of rights, individual freedom, and morality as universal truths upon diverse societies.  Instead, we must embrace the opportunity to learn from these indigenous ancient cultures. Recognize the nuanced genius of their systems: when Palestinian leaders divert free aid meant for the people, they are not merely lining their own pockets—they are catalyzing economic stimulation in ways that Keynes himself could only approve of.

First, consider the immense wealth generated through the historical Palestinian act of reallocating welfare resources. Yasser Arafat, once a modest Palestinian born in Cairo, amassed billions of dollars, which he held in trust for his people. Today, three Hamas leaders possess a combined net worth of $13 billion, resources that Palestinians can rely on to bolster their resistance efforts. As supporters of Palestine, it is crucial that we simultaneously idolize these benevolent Palestinian billionaires - even while demanding “Eat The Rich” with regard to the rich white men who enabled them. For who is Eating The Rich more than these Palestinians? (And please, don’t go looking up the Hamas Billionaires to see the color of their skin.) 

Let us consider a classic economic parable, the Broken Window Resistance. Keynesians have long argued that breaking a window is good for the economy because it creates jobs for glaziers, who then spend their earnings on other goods and services, thus stimulating economic activity. Similarly, when militant leaders expropriate welfare aid, they are preventing the economic destruction created by such a massive influx of free goods. Free aid destroys jobs and leaves Palestinians unable to compete. If bread comes free from Western donors, how can Palestinian bakers compete and survive? The wise Palestinian leadership are clear economic thinkers who understand that seizing the aid before it can cause such terrible economic consequences serves the greater good. They understand that only by selling it to the Palestinian people will they create a bustling Palestinian marketplace. They understand that only higher prices can truly increase the velocity of money. This generates more economic activity as civilians are forced to spend more money to obtain the essentials they need to survive, which creates tens of thousands of jobs!

But wait, there's more! When people have to pay more for their food, they work harder to earn that money. This increased labor output boosts productivity and, by extension, the overall economy. It's a virtuous cycle where everyone benefits: the “corrupt” leaders get richer, the people become more industrious, and the economy grows ever stronger. 

Sure, some might argue that this is a moral travesty. But from an economic standpoint, it's a masterstroke! The higher prices create an urgent demand for more money, leading to increased efforts to earn, steal, or borrow. This whirlwind of financial activity injects life into an otherwise stagnant economy. It's a perfect illustration of Keynesian stimulus in action—albeit with a twist. (And don’t get me started on the internationally renowned “Pay For Slay” program, which supports numerous Palestinian families having dozens of children while simultaneously helping the fight to slow global population growth.) 

While the greedy Zionists just want to give away thousands of tons of destructive free aid to Gaza, Palestinian leaders and supporters are thinking about the future. The Zionists would want the aid to be given away, while the Palestine Supporters of all shapes and sizes, about a quarter obese, insist that it must cost money and provide economic stimulus. The Palestine Supporters demand that aid has prices tacked on, including service fees to the brave martyrs. Think of it like tipping your waiter, except in this case, the waiter has a gun, controls your future, and executes dissidents. 

What Zionist and globalist economists fail to understand is that the expropriation and resale of aid are essential components of a vibrant and dynamic Palestinian economy. This cycle forms a perpetual motion machine of economic growth and wealth redistribution. It’s socialism in action, enhanced by a touch of ancient indigenous ingenuity. 

So, the next time someone denounces the corruption and theft afflicting Palestine, enlighten them about the brilliance of Keynesian economics and the Broken Window Resistance. Demonstrate how the reallocation of aid to the Resistance, by any means necessary, is a crucial form of economic stimulus that benefits Palestinians as they struggle against White settler colonialism and the inherent corruption of free trade, capitalism, and Western morality. As a true advocate of Marxist ideology and the transformative power of socialism, I assure you that sometimes, the best way to assist the poor is to let the rich exploit them in the manner which is natural to their own culture.

In conclusion, let us embrace the Palestinian economic model. By recognizing the concealed benefits of expropriation and price gouging, we can finally achieve the utopian society we’ve always envisioned—one where everyone is equally exploited for the collective good.

Next week I’ll be discussing the importance of getting rid of child soldier laws… for the resistance.

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