There’s only a few foods I dislike:

• Olives. Or anything else that tastes like drowning.

• Gefilte fish (see point 8)

• One so gross, I struggle to type it. You can guess.

To avoid waste or appease my elderly family, I’ll even eat those bulleted items. So it is safe for me to say I am not a picky eater. However, I am a neurotic, nitpicky eater.

This list is not about my preferences. If you’re curious about those: Yes, to pineapple on pizza. No, to cream cheese in sushi. Meat rare. Sub toppings pickled. And most important: wet your dries.

This list is about food takes that I want to convince you of. Maybe not today, but one day you will agree with all of them. And you will wonder why they’re not status quo.

1. Tomatoes Inside Burgers

Un-sogging a tomato takes time. Most restaurants can’t be bothered to take out the seeds and wets. Beyond that, tomato is for salads and pasta, not burgers. There are so many great burger toppings, I have no clue how common salmonella providers (tomato and lettuce) have become our standards.

Here’s the biggest issue with tomatoes on burgers: Once you squeeze those buns, that tomato wrestles with the bread and patty. The end result is a mess. Why make the food you eat with your hands harder?

Pro-tip: If you like tomatoes, ask for it on the side with black pepper. Tomatoes are so much better with a bit of pepper. If you want to mix flavors, guess what, you can still take a bite of one and then the other. Without ruining your jeggings.
PS White pepper is just black pepper picked earlier.
PPS Red velvet is just chocolate with red dye and less cocoa.

2. Defaulting to Straws, Lids and Ketchup

Again, I get that people have preferences. I get that grown adults struggle to pick up a cup, put it to their lips, take a drink, and put it back down, without a mess. But how we treat these three things epitomizes waste. This is not “Nein, never!” but more like, “Please, just ask.”

I once made a Facebook group about my hate for straws, but in a polite way. Personally, I don’t want a paper or reusable straw. I heard it all. If a restaurant has dirty cups, don’t lie to yourself that the straw is a magical workaround. Could you imagine, “Yeah, the chef did not wash their hands when prepping the food. But I’m using a fork… it’s OK.” Just tell dirty people to clean their junk. We don’t need more five-second rules.

Since I am perfectly capable of taking a cup and lifting it to my mouth, I’m going to shock most readers: I often do not need a lid either! Yes, even with hot dranks. If I don’t have my own, reusable cup, I take a shloop (sip) at the counter and carry on. Yes, I want that extra bev barrier when I’m going to a car or bike, or walking my dog who’s afraid of everything. Other times I do not want to fiddle to get it off and back on.

Maybe I can not convince you that BBQ sauce is a better default sauce than Ketchup. BBQ comes in tangy, sweet and smoky varieties, unlike Ketchup, which typically comes in red and gelatinous varieties. Ketchup has more sugar than chocolate chip cookies and Coca-cola, and, IMO, the existence of mayo-chup implies both sauces were made poorly. But even Ketchup fanatics have had a takeout bag where their food swam in a pool of ketchup packets. I’ve filled multiple jars with ketchup packets I did not want or ask for. I can not imagine needing to buy this stuff with the amount given away at fast food joints.

Pro-tip: You can order reusable, pocket size sauce containers. I love mini sriracha containers!

3. Exposed Sauce (wets) on Hot Dogs/Sausages

Question: You’re making a decadent grilled cheese, with butter. You lay out your bread. What goes next?
Answer: Bread, then butter, then cheese. That’s the order. Always.

Sauces go on bread. Not above your protein. So what happened with hot dogs?

My guess: Big Dry Cleaners paid Nathan’s et al to convince society that condiments go above the dog. Sure, it may look more AESTHETIC showing off what you like on your dog. Call me old fashioned, but I like my condiments tucked away, at least till marriage with my mouth. I want lubricated bread, sausage on top.

PS Someone order me Jamie Loftus book on hot dogs which may explain this horror. She makes a strong case that hot dogs bring different classes together, for a superior, albeit gross, food.

Pro-tip: Someone taught me the cupcake-sandwich trick long ago. See below.

4. Tall Burgers & Vertical Burritos

Yeah, yeah, I know you heard this before: Make burgers wider, not taller. We don’t want to unhinge our jaws to eat. Yadda yadda yadda.

This one time, at some other EDM festival, I was ecstatic to order food after a day of dancing in blistering sun. More than the fest itself, I remember the horror of taking a bite of a vegetarian burrito and gagging. I had bit into, not just olives, but a wall of olives. Was it a prank? Was the chef on drugs? I’ll never know.

Apparently, I’m not the only one to experience this horror. See the image below, taken from Medium, of the worst way you could design a burrito. As obvious as “wide burger, not tall burger” is “horizontal toppings, not vertical.” This goes for all wraps: shawarma, gyros, another thing.

My only explanation for these catastrophes is that there are people living under rocks, who can unhinge their jaws.

Basic food geometry:

Advanced food geometry:

5. Highballs & Shots with High (Top) Shelf Liquor

I’m not a sot. I know a Screwdriver is OJ-vodka, Cuba Libre is rum and coke, and a Long Island Iced Tea is an adult suicide (or whatever the PC name is). But hey, I can name a lot of Pokemon.

To prove my ignorance, I thought a Highball meant “whiskey-coke.” But when I tried to spellcheck “1:1”—the term I’ve used for a decade to refer to a basic drink with two ingredients—I learned Highball is what I actually meant. I’m not sure if “One-to-one” is even a thing, or just something I picked up barbacking at cheap spots.

There are a few things I do know. Jamo (Jamison) and Smirnoff are the go to liquors, if Titos or Fernet-Cola are not an option. And SKYY is pretending to be pure vodka, but is actually liquified, clear, permanent markers.

The smarties of the alcohol drinking world know this: Never order top shelf liquor if you’re having a shot, and rarely with heavily mixed drinks. Most alcohol drinkers aren’t smarties. Ask your trusted bartender about this nitpick if you do not believe me. Bartenders appreciate the tip, but laugh at the quickly downed Don Julio.

It seems obvious, no? The whole point of a shot is to down alcohol quick. The whole point of top shelf liquor is to savor those flavor you gained Stockholm Syndrome over. You don’t drink something quick to savor it.

Q: Do you know the difference between a $20 bottle and $100 of vodka?
A: $80.

If you want to burn money, I will not stop you. But I may ask, “Bro, you good?”

Pro-tip: If you’re not an athletic drinker, order one water with every alcoholic drink. Staying hydrated prevents hangovers better than old wives tales. Alcohol is a diuretic.
Preference: I tip restaurants and bars, in part, based on their willingness to provide water. My favorite bars (and most Chinese restaurants) have people going around asking to refill waters, pulling a 20-30% tip for this under appreciated act. My “do not go back” experiences have been fancy restaurants which rush to bring out apps, meals and cocktails, but treat water like we are living in Arrakis (the Dune planet).

6. Boring Popcorn

When we watch movies, our eyes are over stimulated, and our taste buddies get jealous. Popcorn is the perfect remedy to this kuchisabishii, the amazing Japanese term for “lonely mouth.” However, boring popcorn is the Dust Bowl of foods.

For those who don’t get around (the world): The US grosses out the rest of the world with our popcorn drenched in butter. And US Americans are mega disappointed when we have popcorn in another country, since It is blander than frozen bread. [There are exceptions. I had salt and vinegar popcorn in South Africa. But bland is generally the case in theaters outside US.]

Again, I don’t care about your preferences. But you have to put SOMETHING on that corn! It’s not supposed to taste like Communion wafers.

Pro-tip: Treat popcorn like elote. When I pop corn at home, I add chili powder or Everything But the Elote Seasoning from TJ, white cheeses and melted butter. In a pinch, I’ll add something sweet.

7. Food Snobbery

Wow! You’re still reading this? OK I wont waste too much more of your time. Just a few more.

Yes, cheap Chinese take away is usually tastier than an Avant-garde Michelin restaurant serving fish they turned into a gas, or chocolate they poured on the table and want you to eat like a dog. And the take away satiates you, while the $300 course is done in a few bites. That isn't a hot take.

Some of the fanciest coffees I had tasted like garbage water. I’m biased because I prefer light and easy roasts, with loads of caffeine, over dark, sour… garbage water. But if I’m in a gentrified area and see a long queue for a fancy café-bistro-brewpub, I do a 360, and then a 180, and walk the other direction. [I’m exaggerating. I drink coffee at fancier spots, esp in Italy and Israel. Less likely in Manhattan, OKC, Austin, Seattle etc.]

The best validation I had that food snobbery is just classist BS came at a cider bar in Dallas. Dallas today has multiple cider bars, for hipster reasons. At this particular one, I had a lot of skepticism, especially when ex-friends ordered a flight… of cider. After the 16th Ned Flanders insisted I need to try this bar’s cider, I gave in. And literally spat it out. "That's spoiled." "No, no its supposed to taste like that!" "There is no way."

The bartender overheard me and looked concerned. He took a sip to confirm the cider had in fact spoiled. This keg was near empty. Meaning a few dozen people, minimum, drank a cider that was not even close to how it was intended to taste. I got a new free cider, and the bartender probably laughed at his flock.

Bottom line: Some people like 8% bf soft serve and 0% bf diet creams over 14-16% bf, smooth, perfect ice cream. They will insist it’s better, just cause. I’m not knocking their taste buds. Context is everything, and there are times you want something over-the-top. Just chill out with the $10 croissants people.

Pro-tip: The US has a ton of delicious, knockoff soda brands. Choose HEB sodas over big names.
Pro-tip 2: You can get better sweet potato and couscous from a microwave than an oven. It’s about the prep.

8. Gellied and Curdled Foods

As a texture queen (Jordan, Jesse, GO! reference), I love a crispy meal. I love big salt grains that you can feel. If I were a rich Guy, I would open up a crunchy-sushi place called “Scrunchi,” and a fixed-price wok restaurant called “Wok of Shame!”

Being a texture queen means taking the steak fat your friend cut off, and adding potato chips to sammiches. There is one thing I just can’t: Gellied meat and curdled cheeses. They are the worst texture imaginable.

Earlier, I mentioned I cant even type one food. I hid in airplane bathroom for 30 min once when they served it. It conjres images of battelsite wounds. I will give a hint and say it rhymes with “hot ledge cheese.”

I’m going to stop before I dry heave on this subject. If you want to be grossed out, look up Casu martzu or something. Do not rec.

9. Calling Two Veggies or Fruits “Salad”

I love cucumber with a good yoghurt sauce, or tomato with a bit of soy sauce. I really love arugula, parmesan and oil. I’m Israeli, so I can eat cucumber and tomatoes for breakfast, and I lived mostly in US where salad means boring lettuce and giant slices of tomato. But I resent calling these things “salad.”

Before you go running to a dictionary (aka opening a new tab): I do not care how salad is defined. Some definitions specify “cold,” despite many salads being warm. Other defs specified ‘with dressing’, which, tbf, i need to ponder over. This is my take. A head of lettuce (SNL) is not a salad.

My take is about having standards. Salads get a bad wrap [pun intended]. The whole world has gone crazy, but I dream of a day where children flock to a veggie wrap with a ranch dip! Where I don’t need to explain what a summer salad is to grown adults! And where a salad has 3+ veggies/fruits!

Watermelon, arugula and feta may be my only exception to this salad nitpick. But even you, nameless creation, should examine your leafy interior. Throw in some fennel, mint, shallots. Maybe one of those herbs I should know the name of. Be the salad your mom wants you to be.

That’s all folk. If you’re bored, feel free to read my take on restaurant etiquette, comment some takes you have that I left out, give feedback, or watch funnier people discuss food:
George Carlin on the lack of blue foods (lbr, not every bit is a winnner)
Larry David on skewers and the birthday song
Hannibal Buress on Pickle Juice (before the invention of picklebacks?)
Patton Oswalt on KFC Famous Bowls
Iliza Shlesinger on Women Eating Around Men
Todd Barry on egg salad
Jim Gaffigan made $Mills on a bit about Hot Pockets
Mitch Hedberg on straws and vending machine candy
Brian Regan on Fig Newtons and serving sizes
Netflix is a Joke food comp (15 min w/ Deon Cole, Fortune Feimster, Gabriel Iglesias, Iliza Shlesinger, Tom Papa and Trevor Noah)

PS Jerry Seinfeld never had a “What’s the deal with airline food?” joke in his act. It was a meta joke. He referenced it on SNL, but it mixes up his “What’s the deal with…” rants and airline bit. Ellen Degeneres made nearly identical jokes. It was the style at the time.