MEME: Restaurants
Modern Etiquette for Max Efficiency: Restaurants
Intro to MEME:
I decided decades ago that I need write about manners. People don’t have them.
When I get on a crowded bus and see nobody stand up for the elderly, it grinds my gears. To a lesser extent, it annoys me when I go out with someone and go to open their doors, and they truly act shocked because men have dropped this habit.
Yes, I’m covering grounds that the McElroy Brothers cover(ed). And while I never listened to Travis’s podcast, Shmanners, I assume my fellow “middlest brother” (Trav's joke), does a great job. I will cross my fingers that I’m not stepping on their toes.
My GuySpace Guidance spin is over analysis and slightly more crass humor.
Also, I grew up with a mom who beat old-school manners into me. I dropped a few of her antiquated ways, but I still look posh eating, I still open doors for others. On top of this, I’ve added many new “modern manners” to my arsenal of habits.
Society lost etiquette.
Let’s bring it back.
Waiter, “Can I take that plate away?”
You’ve heard this question before. You may have your overused, joke-y response, ready to go. “No, I was going to lick the plate!” “I’m saving the rest for a ghost.” But those of you who were raised right know why I hate this question.
And, look, I know waiters are worried about a Karen or Ken insisting they weren’t done. But that’s all the more reason for universally agreed upon symbols, like placing a coaster over your cup when you’re not finished, but need to get up.
It’s simple, really:
When you pause eating, leave your utensils at the sides of the plate, roughly at 4 and 8 o’clock. Keep the handles dry so you can continue to eat.
When you stop eating, leave the cuttlery in the center of the plate. You get your cutlery handles dirty, effectively shouting, “I’m done, servant! Take this away! I shalt hath no more of this meal.”
I leave my cutlery in the center of the plate when I’m finished eating. And while I’m happy to be friendly with the waiter and staff, and Uber drivers and checkout people at the grocery store, I think nonverbal cues need to come back.
So my #1 MEME is signalling you are or are not done eating. Let’s bring back the Bat Signal of “Yes, I finished.”
Note: While I eat the old fashioned way, I don’t care if you eat with a fork in the left hand and knife in the right. I spent years jealously watching friends shoveling food in their mouth, however they wish, as I had to balance food on the back of a fork. I dated people who ate with their hands, and I genuinely think that’s great. Just don’t be a slob. That’s al.
Each Gen Gets Exacty One Thing Right
I’ve found that someone’s restaurant etiquette is based on 1. Their generation and 2. Their experience or inexperience working in the service industry.
As such, boomers seem to have no issue asking a restaurant to change their temperature. My generation struggles to complain about unforgivable meal mistakes. We could find a finger in our chili and eat around it.
Older people feel more entitled, but have better manners. Younger people tip better.
In regards to work experience: I can tell someone has once worked a job where they ran around, serving dedgen's and/or fancy pants, when I see them stack the table’s plates with the intent of making the busser’s life easier.
The established rule should be that it’s OK to ask questions if everyone else feels the same as you. And if the answer is a no, get over it. Don’t expect special treatment. Don’t be a Karen or a Ken. But asking questions politiely, is not Karen.
I often think about the Dufraines, party of 2, sitting a few tables down. Are they also wondering, “Why is it louder than late night infomercials in here?” “Why is it so cold I need a parka?” or “Why is it so bright I can see my date’s flaws?” If so, someone needs to speak up for all of us. It is a moral imperative to politely ask about what everyone’s thinking. It doesn’t matter if the manager loves that “Best of MJ” album he always puts on, not everyone else does.
For example, some restaurants play music louder than my screams when I see a roach. I’m a rave-going music-lover, but I don’t want to hear blaring techno while I’m eating a chicken salad. That’s time for a gentle complaint. We are spending money to enjoy a meal, not to build up ear wax. But if the restaurant insists their underpaid workers need the music at 11, because they lost their hearing working there, or because they need to drown out their troubles, so be it. Leave it at that and don’t go back.
We need to develop a voting system, or an app for people who don’t want to need hearing aids early in life. If you think the music is too loud, maybe see if a friendly table nearby agrees before coming at the waiter with a valid complaint.
Note: Too many people do not understand quality and mistake LOUD with better. Nobody wants to be sushed. And the way to get a middle ground is buy investing in speakers that have bands that don’t drown out talking, but allow everyone to hear their sounds without needing earplugs.
Really, Don’t be Gross
I don’t need to cover food etiquette. Todd Barry and the other comedians have enough salad jokes for a lifetime. I don’t need to kvell about restaurants that give you water as soon as you sit down, without asking, because they know everyone needs more water. Nor lament about the frustrations when it seems your water will never come. But I need to state one obvious thing. Always be nice to the staff.
I said you can be Karen/Ken. But in a nice way. Service industry jobs are tough. They make you tuff. Many believe at 18 everyone should be forced into the service industry, like conscription in Korea. The world would be so much cleaner if everyone had to pick gum off tables. Even if you didn’t have a drill seargant, or tough parents, you should just try to empathize with underpaid people, who are maybe struggling.
Kindness to the staff means everything. In Israel, it can mean a free chaser. In America, I’d need to explain a “Chaser” is a small shot, and I should have used the word “drink” in that example. I’m pretty sure the food spitting thing is a myth, contrary to the movie Waiting…, but why risk it? How you treat others says everything about you.
