The Unspoken Rules of the Sauna
My biggest nightmare
I Love the Sauna
I live in Tel Aviv and go to a gym, meaning, I go to a gay gym. I didn’t realize this for a long time. I thought a gay gym would have, you know, gay things—people dancing to ABBA, a Kegel station, twerking stations, same-sex hookups. Turns out, it’s just like any other gym. Except sometimes I walk into the sauna and have to leave immediately.
The sauna is a great Soviet tradition that us Slav-gringos appropriated. But there unspoken rules about the sauna. I’m talking about the real rules, not those fake ones they post on the door. "Don't stay more than 10 minutes"—hahahaha. "Wear a towel"—Good one! G’luck convincing Old Man Winter that he doesn’t need his balls directly on the wood.
Ignore those written ruels and focus instead on the unspoken rules of the sauna.
Rule #1: Never Leave the Door Open
The door must remain shut, as much as possible.
You don’t open it unless you have to. i.e., Not to talk to someone. Not if there's a fire and you're evacuating. Never.
Also, when you open the door, your mission is to close it as soon as possible. Then you triple-check that it’s fully shut.
That goes for people not in the sauna double. If you want to talk to someone inside the sauna, go inside.
This is the #1 rule. It’s like reracking weights in the gym. People who break the rule deserve the death penalty, no less.
Rule #2: It Is Never “Too Hot”
When you’re in the sauna, you can comment “It's hot in here.” Classic joke. You can pull a Kramer, "It's like a sauna in here!" But you cannot ever suggest cooling it down. Even if your skin is melting, it is not “Too hot.”
The sauna is supposed to be as hot as possible—so hot that if you bring your phone inside, it evaporates. Nobody else cares that you planned for 30 minutes. You can suffer for 5, and enjoy 25 minutes of “my heart may explode” time. Meanwhile, us sauna pros will spend 15 minutes, vomit, try for another 5, vomit some more. It’s still not too hot.
The mark of a bad sauna is people using their electronics inside. I’ve been to gyms in America where people watch TV shows on their phones in the "sauna." But that’s not a real sauna. That’s a glorified Dutch oven. That’s a nice day in South Florida or Tel Aviv. A sauna is too hot for your ESPN Highlights.
Saunas should always be above 180 degrees Fahrenheit (82°C) for their real benefits. Look it up, listen to Joe Rogan or trust me, bro. It. Is. Supposed. To. Be. Hot.
Rule #3: Don’t Acknowledge Always- or Never-Nudes
Sure, the written rule on the sauna door says everyone should wear a towel. You should at least have a towel. But people jaywalk, pirate music, share Netflix passwords. And do you tattle on them?
Some people are weirded out by people wearing clothes in the sauna. Others by nudists. I’m Malcolm in the Middle about this topic, and think people should do what’s comfortable for themselves (especially since I rarely shower at gyms and prefer to do it at home, avoiding the bag of dirty clothes and assorted shower condiments all together).
The millennials and younger were raised wearing their underwear in the sauna, sitting atop everyone's collective sweat, afraid they might see a penis. The boomers? They love being naked in front of the boys. They don’t need an excuse to let it all sag. They walk around locker rooms talking to people naked.
Based on anecdotes, not research, I’m certain there’s cultural differences at play too. In Latin America I never see nudity in the locker room. They’re prudes. Even masseuses may ask you to leave your undies on. Meanwhile, Canada and Eastern Europe has a “Man up! Your weird if you’re not naked” culture. US is somewhere in between.
Everyone judges. And if you’re Team Always-Nude or Team Never-Nude, feel free to judge. But keep it to yourself, at least until you text your teammate later in the day. Besides, at gay gyms, you might see worse. Consider yourself lucky.
Rule #4: The Secret Sauna Flirt Move
On the podcast We Might Be Drunk, someone claimed that adding essential oils is a secret test for the gays. Then gay expert and fabulous comedian Matteo Lane debunked this, saying he’s never heard of such a thing. And he’d know.
Matteo is right, essential oils are for spiritual people and “look at me’s” who want to penetrate your nostrils. So I’m here as a straight to teach the Homosapients the real “secret test of the sauna.”
The secret sauna flirting move is what I call the Matador (or Le Matador). It’s a quick flick of the towel in the air, like a matador's red cape. A man pretends he’s drying his face or shoulders, but really they’re showing what they’re working with. And the test works because us straights instinctively avert our eyes and pretend nothing happened. We ignore it. But for same-sex attracted people it’s an opportunity to check out what's being offered—like a dowry.
Interestingly, this move is so unspoken, so instinctual, that even my gay friends aren’t in the know. But after some miming, every gay man I’ve spoken to about this has admitted it makes sense for the cruisers.
If you think something else is a “secret gay signal,” you’re paranoid. He’s just being nice.
Rule #5: People Can Talk at Any Volume, Any Language
I get it. Sometimes you just want to unwind, basking in 180-degree heat, in the grossest environment possible outside of a yoga classroom. But that does not override other people’s right to talk. Just because you want quiet doesn’t mean everyone else does. Someone else may want to vent to their sauna therapist buds.
There’s no shushing in the sauna.
People can have conversations in the sauna about whatever they damn please. Deal with it. Buy your own sauna if you want peace and quiet, or if you don’t want to see other people there.
There’s a catch. If you’re talking in the sauna, you know others are listening. Everyone is expected to eavesdrop and is allowed to join in any sauna conversation, even if it’s personal. If it’s a bro-topic it’s expected. So if you discuss something personal in the oven, expect unsolicited advice. You brought it on yourself.
Look, I didn’t make these rules, but I am the one making them public. Let me know what you think.
Comment if you want more unwritten rules of the world, that maybe should be put down on paper.
