The Charcoal Test
This 4-page essay is not about charcoal. Or is it? [I don’t know.]
Dangerous Savings
Rough depiction of my childhood,
I grew up in a family that tried to save every penny. That typically entailed being frugal. In other cases it also entailed a dad who made… creative decisions.
When we first moved to the U.S., he would buy 20+ McDonald’s cheeseburgers every Sunday for 19 cents and freeze them so my under-7 (year old) siblings and I could microwave them later. It wasn’t good. Sometimes there were fires, more often just unhealthy, improperly heated food by children. But it was cheap.
And that was dad’s philosophy that messed me up: If something is cheap, buy a lot.
I thought my dad’s habit mostly went away over time and mom’s nagging. [Mom knows best.] But every once in a while, a Costco run still ends in something completely unnecessary sitting around for years.
So while I love Costco, I have to say this for the price-conscious shoppers, turning to Guidance for guidance:
Like Amazon.com, Costco is a loss leader. That means it has low prices on some things, like their hot dog deal, but not others. A lot of stuff sounds cheap, but you’re really just paying extra for bulk packaging or inferior quality.
For example, Amazon and Costco sell meh clothes on their ‘super special daily, weekly, seasonal sale, <3 hours to buy! Consume! Now!’ If you go to Old Navy, you’ll find something better for the same price. If you go to Ross you’ll find cheaper.
It’s best to shop around, if you have the time.
I’ve seen wildly cheap clothes at Men’s Warehouse. Like, cheaper than K-Mart (and better quality).
In Florida, for example, our most expensive grocery stores (where shopping is a pleasure!) have wild BOGO deals. If you happen to need smoked cheese or whatever IPA, the expensive spot is suddenly cheaper than Walmart.
If you’re not going to use something, you don’t need a dozen. You don’t need two. Just skip it or buy one to try, or, more likely, forget about in a closet.
Apparently Chat GPT won’t depict “coal miners.” So I told it to use Zoolander.
2. The Bathroom Archaeological Dig
Every visit to my parents, I look for the most expired thing.
No matter how bolden the “discard by” date was, my parents are convinced dates are a suggestion. I can’t convince them that “sell by” “use by” and “seriously, discard this” are different.
And so some old friends still joke about rock-hard marshmallows I’d pull out of a fridge every 6-months to show, “Yep, still there.” It was about 16 years past expiry before my parents agreed to let me throw it away.
I recently did a little cleanup of my parents’ bathroom and found a small museum of expired products, alongside all the questionable-age products from bad gifts, boutique hotels, and quarterly dentist visits.
Among the hoard: an unopened case of four Crest charcoal toothpaste. The 3D White kind. My go-to about two thirds of the time. Definitely a Costco purchase.
The big package said it expired in 2022. My guess is it was bought somewhere around 2018, when charcoal was suddenly everywhere. People couldn’t get enough charcoal.
Before 2018, it was only my Chinese and hippie friends using charcoal beauty products. They did it to replace chemicals. I’m the opposite. I buy charcoal products because I want more stuff in my stuff. I’d pay more for hormone filled meats, not for some organic stuff that like horse meat.
I stared at the expired toothpaste and found myself caught between two extreme views:
My parents: “Nothing ever expires. ”
My fiancée: “Everything expires, even salt.”
And that brings me here, because I did research beyond the AI Overview that will lead you down one of these no compromise paths. Here’s a Guidance Space post about charcoal products, with a tl;dr: I used the “expired” charcoal toothpaste.
A [Very Short] History of Charcoal Used For Things Other Than Grilling
Sorry, Hank Hill, charcoal is not new and is great for things other than grilling. It has been used for thousands of years in medicine and hygiene. It’s safer than propane and propane accessories.
Ancient Egyptians used it for cleaning wounds. Ancient Greek physicians like Hippocrates used it to treat poisoning. Actually, to this day, hospitals still use it for certain types of poisoning.
Activated charcoal has an enormous surface area and can bind to certain substances. It can bind to toxins and help you safely pass it.
What is new is the branding.
Around 2015, Charcoal toothpaste became more popular in holistic stores like Whole Foods. By 2018 it went viral. I’m only going to talk toothpaste and skin care, but there are other applications for charcoal enthusiasts.
‘Clee-clean’ (Legally distinct toothpaste based on someone not black or white)
Toothpaste Isn’t Black and White
Charcoal toothpaste is marketed as natural, detoxifying, and whitening. And if you do some research, you’ll see it does remove surface stains.
The issue is how it removes surface stains. Charcoal can be abrasive, so instead of using chemicals and dyes to whiten, it uses abrasive properties to remove your gunk on your flunk (aka “to get shit on your teeth”).
The heady response is that fluoride and other chemicals also damage enamel. The US currently have an anti-fluoride health tsar (RFK Jr), who also eats rotten meats, and had or has a worm in his brain. Which is to say, if someone insists fluoride is toxic, they’re not alone. They could be a dumpster diver, but they also could be a fairly right wing conspiracy nut. We got a wide array of pineal-concerned Americans.
I trust in fluoride. Maybe not in water. I’m ready to activate my pineal gland. I don’t care what one hippie told another hippie as much as most dentists’ opinions.
Fluoride, like most medications, breaks down over time. If your dentist says otherwise, seek a new one. So my ‘expired toothpaste’ had less of a chemical that fights cavities and many people don’t use. It essentially became ‘toothpaste-lite.’ I’m OK with that. Expired toothpaste can also seperate. There’s no danger there except ‘icky.’ Mine didn’t.
Here’s what dentists have told me: Americans abuse tooth paste, using way too much, then spit it out prematurely. As I explained in “Clean & Green Hygiene,” people are so ADHD they tend to forget that cleaning chemicals take time to do their thing. That’s consistent. Other than that, I haven’t had consistent answers. I’ve met the ‘one-in-ten dentists’ who is anti-fluoride, and the other nine.
They will tell you enamel doesn’t grow back, so don’t mess with mysterious toothpaste. That might be like brushing with sandpaper. I assume that reputable brands – Oral-B and Crest specifically – don’t use large grains of charcoal, knowing they can get sued and have another ‘talcum powder products’ situation in a decade. Big toothpaste is probably safe, and, yeah, I’m glad they contain my pineal-activating fluoride. Yum!
My middle ground with charcoal toothpastes is to switch to another gimmic after a few tubes. Usually it has baking soda or some whitening agent that’s probably bad for you. Maybe I just prefer black toothpaste to white.
Black Face. Now Less Offensive!
Charcoal made its way into skincare shortly after toothpaste, especially in face washes.
This one is simpler to explain, but I’ll reach the same conclusion.
Activated charcoal can bind oil and impurities. My skin is oily enough to feel it grabbing gunk from my skin.
As someone who suffers from acne into my 30s, albeit almost none to mild acne since taking Accutane at fifteen, I’m careful with skincare. For a decade I relied on peroxide and chemical-filled junk that really dried me out. It also would discolor (bleach) my beard and other hair.
For me, charcoal face wash has been amazing. I don’t worry when I rub it into my facial hair, I don’t cry if it gets in my eyes, I don’t feel like Sponebob in that episode when he meets Sandy if I leave it on too long.
I really recommend cheap charcoal face wash over $100 stuff dermatologists make a fortune off of. I mean, trying it, not disregarding a professional. It isn’t for everyone. People with naturally dry faces, or who obsessively wash their face, may not benefit like me, with a natural Pizza Man face. I do not recommend the forgotten movie, Pizza Man.
Maybe you need the $100 face wash with snail cream and several new molecules recently discovered. Or maybe a $10 charcoal wash… and need to remember to change your towel(s) more often, and get on a surgar free diet. I’m not going to fight your botox-filled derm, but I’m not paid by Big Charcoal and really suggest a month long test.
Try Before You Buy…. One.
This essay was never really about charcoal products, even though I hope you learned something about it (like ‘fluoride expires, charcoal does not).
This was about what leads to hoarding: Buying things you do not need. And that happens because marketing trends are convincing, and stores make you feel like you get a deal when you buy more, even when it’s not the case.
The bottom line is that your bathroom and kitchen drawers are not a time capsule. And buying into trends doesn’t make you cool, science does.
