My Perfect Wedding’s Mistakes
The Aftermath
Leading up to my wedding, people kept asking if I was nervous. I explained, “No. I expect a lot to go wrong. I’m excited to find out what specifically goes wrong.”
My motto for the last decade has been “Low standards, high expectations,” a perfectly cromulent substitution for the more popular internet motto I reversed: “Less upsetty, more spaghetti.”
My wedding’s misses and messes were things only I noticed, at least until I discussed them the next week with everyone who asked. The live band got enough attention to justify its shockingly cheap cost, the comedian made only one inappropriate joke (and people seemed fine with it), and there were enough vegan options that everyone left a lil plumper.
tl;dr The errors were things that one extra helper could have avoided. One nice venue employee or super caring friend, and I’d have hit perfection. Maybe just one person checking on the groom’s needs before, so he could say, “Actually, you can help.”
But what’s the fun in perfection? Bo-ring.
Here are the lessons I wish I’d learned before the day itself. They’re reminders of why I need more ride-or-dies and less tell-me-whys. The mistakes were meant to be. T’was still a night many described as one of the best of their lives. The wedding was unmistakably Marina and Guy.
Still, I hope this helps some fellow Bridezilla/Groomzilla/Momzilla.
One-Year-Early Errs
We booked our venue more than a year in advance. You gots to. Venues book up.
Booking the right venue is by far the most important detail (and biggest expense). It dictates the canvas. If you have a boxy hall venue and spend 500k on entertainment, it’s still just a box with flash-y lights. If you have a beach wedding, like mine, and spend nothing on entertainment, it’s still (hopefully) a pretty beach wedding.
Once we’d signed the contract, we debated when to send out invitations. Knowing many guests plan things a year in advance, we wound up sending our “Save the Date” about 13 months before the big day. It was a simple Google Form asking for some information, including how likely people were to attend on a scale of 1 to 5. Obv nobody knows exactly what they’ll be doing in a year, especially during an active war with overseas guests having major expenses. We acknowledged it.
Too many people said, “Nothing will stop me from coming,” because for many that was a lie. It’s a nice one, but still a lie. In some cases, no excuse was enough for cancelation a year later. In other cases, several flight delays was enough a reason.
For clarity, I don’t think year early invites are a mistake. Overestimating is. But I’m jamming in here a rant that people always complain, so throw some complaints out the window, and use your judgement about which friends are really making it. Be real. We heard “A year is too much notice” just as often as “A reminder a week before is too little notice.” We even heard “Three reminders?! Are you crazy?” just as much as “Only three reminders? It’s like you don’t even want your guests to come.”
Side note: surprisingly, the most expensive venues—which we could not afford—book up first. Some were taken three years in advance. So pull an Elliot Reid if you have a specific place in mind and book way too early.
Tips for A Year Before
To anyone who ever asked a wedding inviter, “How can we know what we’ll be doing in a year?” just imagine your dentist asking you. I know I’ve had that question in sillier moments than when I have time to mark a calendar. I’ve been asked it while I still had cotton in my mouth, hoping the pain would subside. A year’s heads-up says, “We planned this. Come.”
The common advice is to subtract about 10% of the “yes” responses from a Save the Date, then another 10% from your final RSVP list, and possibly another 10% for last-minute changes. That is the right direction, but wrong percents. For us it was more like 20% drop from Save the Date, then 15% from final RSVP list, then 5% when it’s too late to replace them with a brand new friend you met at the gym, who’s more fun.
With various calculations that made sense to me at the time, I calculated from our 1-to-5 scale and intuition that we had between 160-220 likely attending our venue. All-in-all this led to us agreeing to a minimum of 150, in a venue that might have accepted 140. Our final count was around 146, with a few of those guests joining so briefly we could have avoided paying.
So lesson number two is to avoid minimums and clauses that you think “no way that will happen.” Everything can go wrong. A few close friends or family canceling is the most obvious one that almost always goes wrong.
Just accept it. You’re not going to get a funeral or game-show prize explanation for last minute cancelations. You get a mix of good to horrible explanations. How you react to those mix bag of excuses will reveal how you really feel about them.
It’s important to remember that some people, actual friends and family, are simply too uncomfortable or afraid to tell you the truth either at the point of asking or when plans changed. Last minute cancelations are a sign of love, albeit a bad one. The canceler may be selfish or helping a loved one who’s dying, and thus a bad or good friend. You can decide later.
Another thing we did not do well: If you find that you have 145 people and 150 minimum, invite more CEOs and fun people. We invited some friend-of-friends, but got mixed responses to it, and felt weird about inviting more. Then the few sorta rando people were great additions for the dance floor and singles. So while a wedding is for close family and friends, I personally don’t think it’s wrong to add more +1s, or invite some CEO or CFO who won’t come but will send a gift.
And at that very moment, I realized I forgot the flowers for my jacket and soon-to-be wife.
No Such Thing as Overexplaining
Our Save the Date, RSVP and Final Reminder needed to be in three languages. By number three, I dropped Spanish and only put the gift information in English. So despite the previous two online artifacts with everything in Hebrew and Spanish, people kept misspelling my and my wife’s name in Hebrew.
Some people also tried sending money through apps we don’t have. Can’t fix everything.
If you’re making wedding materials in several languages, check every version for every detail, not just the main information. Get someone who reads each language fluently to review it. And make sure your name is written exactly as you want it, in any language you might receive money.
And after all that, communicate it again directly. Because people don’t read. So even if you say “South Parking Lot” and draw a diagram, and keep reminding people “South Parking Lot,” people will still park in the North lot.
Three checkpoints—Save the Date, final RSVP and reminder—mostly worked. Some more direct communication would help.
Roles: Day-of Planner, Venue Manager, and My Missing Ride-or-Die Friend
Our wedding planner was… problematic. I loved him. My wife and parents, not so much. They expected him to do everything, and I did not. And this led to many conversations about roles, like the difference between a traditional planner and “day of wedding coordinator.”
The truth is, with the number of things I wanted, I needed a friend or family member helping too. Many helped with one thing, but nobody was checking if I need anything when my neuroses wanted something others said was overkill.
Everyone was in their own world, expecting the wedding planner to handle everything. But my planner and I were completely swamped, and there were too many details for two people to manage on their own.
I neglected to nag the venue manager. I had his number, but because he wasn’t very helpful until the week of the event, I did not bother him the day of. Instead, on the day, he greeted me and then disappeared. So when my planner and I each told the greeter, “Please give everyone a festival bracelet and then tell them the princess assigned to their table, along with the table number,” she thought it was optional.
Be a good Karen or Ken and talk to the manager. Because her manager would have made our “Can you please” into an order. I wound up with 100 bracelets I’ll never use, and a Disney and Rave theme that was largely forgotten to the Latin music.
Low Expectations
Everyone runs late. If you want people in family photos, set the time absurdly early… and pray.
My wife’s stylist took too long and our families came late. So I got photos with who I could, then left early, missing photos with latecomers who should have arrived early, to instead greet guests who came on time. That was the right move. I wouldn’t want to arrive at a wedding and wait an hour to see the groom or bride. So instead of hanging decorations the venue didn’t care about, I was hugging family and friends and pointing people toward the photographers and food so we’d get our money’s worth. Again, nobody was there to insist the venue deals with the decoration they agreed to.
Around when I left the family photos, the bride had her own emergency: she needed her veil for the ceremony, and a train had to be added to her dress for wedding-fashion purposes. These were not problems a better checklist could have solved. A friend eventually stepped in to save the look, but it was so late they both missed the entire reception.
So I missed a trivia game for the ketubah signing, and my wife missed the entire reception to finish getting ready. Then I forgot the flowers I bought to wear on my lapel, another wad of money down the drain.
That said, we were both very present at our wedding. We ate and drank, and met with just about everyone, and did all the stuff people tell you the bride and groom don’t get to do. It was just a trade-off: Dance, but don’t change outfits. Say hi to these people and you miss those people.
Still, one friend—or a more caring venue manager—could have dealt with the decorations. Without them, a $10 disco ball and $100 worth of personal photos of the couple with friends and family never got hung up. Little touches were missed, which nobody noticed but me. What can I say? I like little touches.
Wedding planners focus on schedule. Brides focus on appearance and vibes. I did my thing. My brother brought my dog. Our parents helped with finances. And we missed the wild card friend who would make things run smoother, because they’re on a mission to make sure you get everything you want. Have that friend who understands your crazy vision.
As seen in this chabad.org image, the glass is wrapped in tinfoil and TAKEN OUT THE BOX.
Breaking the Glass
My planner told me not to stomp on the glass too hard. I’ve accidentally broken glasses before, so at the time, it made sense.
In retrospect, that was just bad advice.
My rabbi put the glass inside a box, then inside tinfoil, rather than wrapping just the glass in tinfoil. The box protected the glass. So I stomped and barely broke the thing, leading to two more awkward stomps.
It still got the “Mazal tov!” but with some laughs.
Maybe there’s a symbol there for my relationship with my wife: we went out, broke up, then got back together, then after another short rough patch were in-it for marriage and kids, hopefully til death.
Point is, just stomp the glass. Hard.
The Venue Is Not Your Friend
The venue is a business. It has its own standards and routines, and those may have very little to do with what you pictured. The frustrating part is that they, of course, act like your friend, giving you advice to pay for those signature cocktails that slow down the line. So you have to be nice back and read the hidden messages.
Ask specific questions. Get answers in writing. Expect them to act like a vendor, not a friend.
Don’t assume the venue understands what you want just because you’ve explained it once. And don’t assume they’ll tell you what they’re planning to do if it’s different from what you imagined.
The venue wanted us to spend a lot on extras. After everything was done, I was glad I’d said no to them. But I definitely would have slipped them a few hundred to hang up that damn disco ball and the photos I mentioned above, instead of whining that someone else needed to do it.
And, possibly my biggest mistake of all, I have no idea whether the manager distributed the tips evenly. Yes, I put things in envelopes, but I lumped the tip money too close together. By the time I gave the manager the cash, one or two junior waiters may already have left. If you want to know everyone got their share, tip them individually. And if your guests probably aren’t going to tip, consider doing it early, so the staff are happy while they’re still working for you.
Grooms, You’re on Your Own
While the women in my family were arguing about where they should get their hair and makeup done, doing trials, sharing fashion tips, nobody reminded me that I might want to get my hair taken care of on my wedding day. I’m not a super-glam Guy, but it turns out I did want a last-minute touch-up that morning. And that was hard to find last minute.
Likewise, I never checked my outfit. It was a simple suit, since we decided a tux would look ridiculous at a beach wedding in a country where CEOs wear shorts and sandals. It didn’t fit great, thanks to the extra 10 kilos I’d gained since buying it. So many of my photos have my shirt practically popping off.
Simple lesson: men, you’re on your own. Your bro friends, gay friends, and girl friends are focused on their own looks or the bride’s. Few will give you an honest opinion like, “I understand you say shaving gives a classic look, but beards are sexier.” Any fashion or question usually ends with, “Do what you want.” So do what you want, but plan it like the ladies..
Assigning Tasks Is a Friendship Test
I did assign some tasks. I asked one friend to watch the bus list. I asked another friend to give a two-minute speech. He wrote one that was six minutes long, then got too nervous to give it.
Another friend was so difficult about the task that it hurt our friendship.
Assignments teach you a lot about your friends. I found some new friends were amazing and some old friends were not. That tends to be how life goes, especially if you move around a lot.
Some people hear “Can you help with this?” and say, “Yes, I’ll figure it out! Don’t you worry about this, you got all that other stuff to worry about.” Others hear “Can you help with this?” and say, “Ugh, Ok. But you need to do all the work for the task you gave me. I’m going to text you about it daily. And it’s a huge favor. Also, now you need to help me with these things.”
You don’t need to run a friendship trial before the wedding. But it helps to know who can take a small task and handle it without making you manage them, too. Choose the right people.
Don’t Turn Bummers into Announcements
My ex-girlfriend (wife) lost a very expensive earring while hugging people after the ceremony. Quick lesson: earrings can get lost in hugs (and hair), so be careful.
She noticed a few hours later and panicked. I immediately accepted that there was no way anyone would find the thing, short of a miracle. But soon we had dozens of people looking for small diamonds in the dark, while others danced awkwardly and wondered what was going on.
There’s no lesson there, because naturally people are going to look for diamonds. But it was a bummer.
We also didn’t decide ahead of time who would take the cash and checks at the end of the night. Luckily, my dad offered. He looked like the Grinch, walking away with a sack full of envelopes.
We had an early bus for some guests and a WhatsApp group to organize it. I sent them a message when it was time to go. For some reason, our planner then announced when the bus was leaving to the dance floor. This brought the energy down for everyone who was staying. It was basically: “These people get to go to bed early. Haha, suckers.”
Yes, the people taking the bus needed to know when to leave. But adults look at their phones when they want to go. So don’t announce departures. Hell, if you want people to stay, don’t provide an early bus, at all. Adults can figure out some stuff.
Handle the logistics directly with the people who need them, and nobody else.
Fig. 1. Guidance on how to 'shape' a DJ set (Broughton & Brewster, 2002, p. 133) 4
(Taken from https://emusicology.org/article/id/4518/ )
Credit: https://djingforbeginners.guide/10-reading-the-crowd
My “Release” was supposed to be "Hey, everyone! There’s crack pie and various other desserts.”
I asked ChatGPT to show the “Ecstatic Dance” oscillating and rising philosophy in a chart. This, with two peaks, is my ideal wedding format.
Energy, a Roller Coaster
Okay, this one is controversial.
We wanted the music to stop for dessert. Our planner didn’t. He was used to weddings where the dancing starts and the high-energy music keeps going. I believe in dropping the energy sometimes. People need to sit down, eat, talk, and rest.
The DJ also wanted everyone to keep dancing at max energy. It wore people out. But that made sense to him, and maybe to a lot of other people too.
To me, a wedding doesn’t have to be one long dance set, and the night doesn’t get better just because the music stays loud. I’ve been to weddings where the audience was reluctant to dance, and in that case, perpetual high energy made more sense. But for us, a pause for dessert would have been fine. We should have made sure the DJ and planner were on board. We should have used it as an opportunity to make sure people were hydrated, photographed, and introduced to the cute guest they wanted to meet.
Our alternative, four hours of non-stop dancing, was still loads of fun. But it meant sending people home a little earlier. I would have preferred to let people recharge their batteries a bit, so they’d have some energy for the metal music we skipped.
The Beginning
My wedding was perfect AND a lot went wrong. Both things can be true. The lesson isn’t to plan for every possible disaster. It’s to be clear about what matters to you, make room for people you trust to help, and remember that the people running the event may not care about your vision as much as you do. And have fun, because in a year or two you’ll have forgotten everything that didn’t make it into the photo book or the videos you recorded.
