Friendzoning, Datezoning, and Platonic Friendships
Can Women Have Platonic Male Friends?
I once had a conversation with a potential date who told me she didn’t believe in true platonic relationships between men and women:
Her: "I don’t really believe in true platonic relationships."
Me: "Do your friends know?"
Her: "I don’t have many guy friends. Maybe that’s why."
Me: "You’re not platonic with your girlfriends?"
Her: "Friendships between women are different. I’m saying I don’t think a guy and a girl can be close and keep it truly platonic. Maybe I just haven’t experienced it. I have my doubts."
Me: "I think the opposite. It’s good for people to make friends with the opposite sex before dating. I wouldn’t advise it for everyone, but I certainly would for guys struggling with dating, so they don’t unload their frustrations on the opposite gender. Especially on a date. That would be awkward."
Feelings are complicated. But when someone is sure of their own feelings, we should respect them, even if we disagree. We don’t get to decide what offends someone, just as we don’t get to decide what they want in a relationship. Dismissing someone’s perspective by saying, "That’s not offensive" doesn’t change the fact that they are offended. Likewise, dismissing their dating preferences doesn’t change the fact that they have them.
Our culture has widely accepted the concept of friendzoning—the idea that one person wants a romantic relationship while the other wants only a platonic one. It usually plays out like this:
A man wants to date or sleep with a woman.
She rejects him but remains open to friendship—so long as there are no expectations of romance.
Some think friendzoning is an unfair or even toxic concept. Others think it’s a natural part of 21st century friendship. I see it as a reality of human relationships: you can enjoy someone’s company without wanting anything romantic.
However, our culture has not equally embraced the reverse dynamic, which I’ll call datezoning. There’s a societal expectation that it’s wrong to see someone purely as a romantic prospect without wanting friendship as well. Many women view this as objectification: "You only want me if I sleep with you!"
I’m odd here. What’s the problem with crushing on someone?
I see no difference between friendzoning and datezoning. You choose your relationships.
I get the concerns of being objectified. But romantic relationships are not just about sex. Many people seek companionship, emotional support, and shared experiences. Maybe they just want someone to text each night. In that sense, datezoning—wanting only a romantic relationship and not a friendship—isn’t necessarily objectification. There’s little difference between saying, "I only want him as a friend" and "I can’t be just friends with her because I want more." Both express personal boundaries.
Communication and Consent
The key to navigating relationship dynamics is excessive, honest communication, coupled with affirmative consent. In other words: say more, ask more.
Don’t ghost someone or assume they understand your feelings just because you went on a bad date. A simple, “I don’t think we are compatible” will save a headache. Worst case: they don’t know. You’re delivering unexpected bad news. Good case: they already know but appreciate hearing it directly. Best case: it’s mutual. You get to both laugh.
Most of us aren’t great at handling emotions—even those trained in understanding human behavior can misinterpret signals. Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking to Strangers teaches that even experts misread people all the time. The solution? Talk and listen.
Feelings evolve. That means even if a sexual partner once told you, "You don’t need to ask for consent to do X," you should still ask, because boundaries can change. In today’s world, relationships take many forms: platonic friendships, open relationships, polyamory and more. Each dynamic comes with its own evolving set of expectations.
There’s nothing wrong with hooking up with a friend for six months and later realizing you’re better off as just friends. What is wrong is assuming you know what someone else wants—or failing to express what you want yourself.
For me, having friends of the opposite sex is essential. In fact, my partner being OK with this part of me is also essential. I did not date the girl from the start of the article, because her conservative approach at relationships was incompatible with mine. Neither of us are right or wrong. I’m sure there’s a Mike Pence type out there for her.
At the end of the day, boundaries are just as important in romance as they are in friendships. It’s not self-respect to suppress your feelings just to accommodate someone else’s. The only way to build healthy relationships—romantic or platonic—is through honesty, respect, and communication.
