I’m talking to a potential date. She tells me she ‘doesn’t believe in platonic relationships.’
Her, ‘I don’t really believe in true [platonic relationships].’
Me, ‘Do your friends know?’
Her, ‘I don’t have many guy friends. Maybe because of that.’
Me, ‘You’re not platonic with your girl friends?’
Her, ‘Friend relationships between girls are different. I’m saying I don’t really think a guy and a girl can be close, and have it platonic. Like really platonic. Maybe I just never experienced it. I have my doubts.’
Me, ‘It’s good for some people to make friends of the opposite sex before dating. Not advising this to everyone, but I do to incel (involuntary celebate) types, frustrated with dating or other gender all together.’* I modified the conversation. Side note, I can not stand when people correct language when intent is clear. If you know what they meant, ignore it. Don’t need to ‘well actually’ everyone.
Feelings are confusing. But when someone is sure of their feelings, we respect their feelings. Even if we don’t feel they should feel that way. We can not decide what others are offended by, including their wants and boundaries. “It’s not offensive” does not mitigate the fact they are offended.
Our society has widely accepted that “Friendzoning” — the idea of a person solely wanting a platonic relationship with someone who wants ‘more’ — is a thing. Usually it goes like this: 1. Cis male wants to sleep or date woman. 2. Woman rejects, but tolerates the man’s company, so long as it does not come with “strings attached” (relationship expectations). Some think “friendzoning” is a trashy idea. Some think it’s normal. I think it’s an experience that comes with making friends, whether male and female. Simply put, you can be nice and hang out with someone, without sexy time.
Our society has not accepted the reciprocal, “Datezoning.” Rather, it is a popular opinion that it is unacceptable to view someone as only a potential date, and not a friend. “It’s objectifying women!" is the common response. “You don’t want me unless I sleep with you.”
This is often an oversimplification, made by the emotionally immature. Peoples’ needs for romantic relationships are not solely based on sex and sexy time. It’s commonly about wanting to share experiences with someone. Maybe they just want to be texted each night. In that sense, it’s not really objectifying if someone has unrequited feelings they put at the forefront of a relationship. There is little difference between “I only want them as a friend” and “I cant handle them as a friend because I want more.”
The obvious answer to this is truthful, excessive communication, coupled with affirmative consent. That means “say more” and “ask more.” Don’t ghost, or assume after a date that the other person knows your feelings. Worst case they don’t and you’re breaking bad news. Best case, they do know, but will appreciate hearing it aloud.
Again, most of us are emotionally (dumb). Even the best empaths — including those trained and paid to “get” emotions — get thrown off by their own feelings, differences in people’s demeanor and more. I wont get into all the lessons of Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking with Strangers, but the most important is simple —talk and listen.
Again, things change. Meaning if someone replies to your affirmative consent with, “You didn’t need to ask to…”, continue to ask anyways. Maybe the next time you do need to ask. It’s common in our 21st Century times to have platonic friendships, open relationships and, for some, (not me), even polyamorous and swinger relationships. Each of which will have changing terms. There is nothing wrong with hooking up with a friend for 6 months, only to then decide youre better off without the intimacy. It is wrong to assume others’ wants and boundaries, and self deprecating to downright self insulting to not say your own wants and boundaries.
