Stop telling short men to be more confident. Here's better advice:
We all know confidence is neccessary for dating. It’s said increasingly out of necessity, as our society becomes more cowardous and afraid of interaction. That said, confidence is a small part to the dating equation. There needs to be a match, and that requires more than confidence. When height is a defining factor for one person, being more confident is not going to change that.
Vice News is surely one of the worst media outlets of all time. They are known for being started by one of the leaders of the notorious Proud Boys, a far right group. Many of their writers are under paid or not paid at all. Interns frequently have their content stolen verbatim by higher ups. And the general consensus is they want to be shit stirrers, often unecessarily taking contrarian sides. To no surprise, they ran a trash article that correctly started with the challenge men face dating while smol, and ended with the nonsense conclusion that short men just need more confidence.
This is the 2006 study Vice shared: http://home.uchicago.edu/~hortacsu/onlinedating.pdf As Vice pointed out, “a man who is 5'6'' needs an additional $175,000 to be as desirable as a man who is 6' tall.” As someone who is 5’6 (168 cm), this resonated. I date a lot of women. And don’t make $175K/year, or even half that. I have complaints about my dating life. But as a straight, white, middle eastern man, I know my privlidges. That said, taking a ‘pickup artist’ class, or, far less sleezy, Toastmasters International class, is not an answer to the height-dating preference. I can be Tom Cruise* level confident. If a girl has their filters set to 6’ and up, I’m simply not in her dating pool. She’s not looking down to find me. I’m not picking her up.
I’m addressing this “dating issue” because Vice News’ writers also believe marginalized people deserve better treatment dating. One Vice writer wrote an oped, “What’s Wrong With the ‘No Trans’ Dating Preference Debate.” This paper insists that everyone, including homosexual men and women, “critically reflect on the factors that might shape your attractions.” As in, ‘Why dont you guys want to date a woman with a penis?’ Naturally, if you are an average person, and want to have children in a cis-hetero relationship, you should address the cultural factors involved. If you’re 5’4, you just need confidence. ‘Hey shortie, any other problems are in your head, so ignore the study we just showed you.’ Vice did not question the height-dating preference.
To unnecessarily reiterrate — I have no doubts marginalized people are discriminated against when dating. I have anecdotal evidence, especially among Indian, Asian and Black friends, many of which struggle to get any matches on dating apps. I think it is because of racial biases more than my friends’ sense of confidence. I know these friends are successful, talented and interesting people, who should get dates easily. I might advise these friends to be more confident, if that were actually their problem. But I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it is their problem, since I’ve spent time with them. Preferences are real.
*After interviewing two people who were 5’4, Vice provided a list of 5 short “big names:” Zac Efron, Tom Cruise, James Dean, Messi and Prince. Prince is the only one who’s 5’4. Messi is my height, 5’6. The others are taller. As in, Vice used multi-Millionaire celebrities, at the top of their profession, as exampels of how ‘being confident is enough!’ Reminder, Tom Cruise, the most confident person on Earth, is regularly made fun of for being short. Even more so than for being a Scientologist. So I’m pretty sure every 5’4 average person reading about 5’9 Zac Efron as their example to ‘look up to’ is laughing. “Oh! We just need to be the most famous soccer player in the world! Why didnt I think of that?!” [Of course, all these people have $175K more than their 6’ counters, unless their 6’ counters are NBA stars, an option not afforded to anyone 5’4. The examples didnt refute the study.]
This discrepency in how the left treats marginalized people stems from various causes. I dont know of an elequent way to frame this in paragraphs, so here’s my thoughts in bullets:
The left does not identify “being short” as being marginalized. Nevermind that there aren’t short models. Or, as the wise Skee-Lo pointed out, short people ‘are picked last or never picked at all.’ Societies have gone and killed people for their race and orientation. Short people weren’t killed. It doesn’t count.
“Short person dating issues” apply to men. Short women may be fetishized like tall men. And men are told to ‘suck it up’ rather than, ‘It’s not your fault, it’s the cultural factors that everyone else needs to address.’ I have doubts that Vice would assert tall women — who often struggle with dating due to shorter men’s intimidation — should ‘just work on their confidence.’
Anecdotally, I don’t know a single man who has said “She’s too tall for me.” I dont think men are nearly as height-focused. I’m short. I’ve dated several tall women (over 5’10). Men applauded the height difference, while women laughed. But tall women tell me they face this discrimination, and I have no reason to not believe them based on my anecdotal evidence of men not caring.
Many who preach identity politics from a Western perspective do not take in socioeconomic factors. So much so, a gay POC, with an ultra rich upbringing, is inheerently “more marginalized” than a straight, white person, brought up in a poor environment. Economists may argue that wealth is the greatest factor in marginalization. Identity-focused players do not care about economics.
Ie Oppression Olympics is real. But it doesn’t care about bank accounts and upbringing.
Steriotypes that are “punching up,” are not seen as dangerous as those “punching down.” I’m not sure why. This is especially hard for Jews, who are punched up as rich, successful, good at accounting and law. Nevermind that it is often based on age old libel, such as Jews stealing gold and controling media, or discrimination forcing Jews into certain professions. Groups like Amnesty International have explicitly said they will not address antisemetism. Amnesty International has said, “Unfortunately, we can't campaign on everything." In 2016, Amnesty even voted against the British government combatting antisemetism. This is in spite of a reality where FBI statistics point to Jews being the most targetted racial and religious group, outnumbering hate crimes based on Islamaphobia 10-fold. I guess certain steriotypes are too nice?
If it needs to be clarified — short people are also punched up as having a “Napolean Complex.” We’re essentailly told we will do more to compensate. Hey, Tom Cruise is short isn’t he?
I know FBI is a US group and I cited Amnesty’s antisemetism in Britain. You can yell at me if you think Jews aren’t targetted that much in Britain, but I’m gonna guess their stats match US.
I know this was another tangent about Jews. It’s my blog! I can do what I want with it.
There’s two reasonable responses to my rant:
1. Haha you’re short.
2. Confidence is important, so what’s your point?
You got me! I am short. And proud of it. I am also handicapped (issues with right leg). I have a long list of discriptors that people tend to not look for when dating. And to be honest, any confidence people notice in me is feigned. Yet, I manage to date without hiding these things.
That does not change that shortness is seen as unattractive. So much so that a study said short guys have little chance dating the same women as tall men, regardless of their face, physique and personality, unless they are ultra wealthy. To which every short guy said, “Duh!” We’ve seen the character-less, tall men get preferance.
It’s reasonable to say height and race should not be big dating factors. Tinder, Bumble and other dating apps would certainly stand against discrimination by race or color. Most dating apps dont have an input for race. They insist you list your height. And in our shallow society, many men’s profiles only provide a height, while many women’s provide height requirements.
I am not saying that dating preferences should be eliminated. I fully accept that people have preferences, whether it’s to date someone of a certain height, color or gender-affirming body. To deny preferences is bizarre. You can be not superficial, and still have a basic beauty requirement. You can be anti-racist, but want to marry someone with the same religious or political beliefs as you. Preferences are not going away. That includes height preferences. [I think evolutionary biology is complete trash, but that’s another post. So not going to argue that tall people have some genetic advantage, when they (statistically speaking) die younger.]
I don’t think making a short person dating app is an answer to height preferences. It’s taking the same approach as POC dating apps. I feel these apps fetishize and dehumanize, perpetuating discrimination rather than making these factors non-issues. Besides, the sole thing I look for in a dating app is the size of the dating pool. Making apps too niche means after a few swipes you’re going to be out of potential matches.
Here is what I do advise for dating, whether you are short or not:
Of f-ing course confidence matters. Even if you make jokes about not being confident, as I do, you say the joke confidently. Looking frightened is not a turn on. You have to say, “I’m nervous” confidently.
The first step towards confidence isn’t working out, as Vice alluded. It’s faking confidence. You need to feign confidence if you don’t have it. When others cant tell, it isnt fake anymore.
Lifting helped me. So would have any hobby. You’re probably more likely to meet a partner at a salsa class, or by playing in a rock band, than at a gym. I, personally, have never gotten a date at the gym. Or tried. But I enjoy lifting for myself, not to get women. If you pick a hobby out of sheer enjoyment, maybe dates will follow. And if dates dont come, at least you have a hobby.
I currently go to a gym known to be gay-friendly. I get hit on a ton. I got offered to see a gay pop star three times this week, by strangers. I once had a guy sit in front of me with a shirt that said, in big, capital letters, “Single? Gay? Coffee?” He then turned around and winked at me. So a gay gym is prob a great place to meet gay men. Still, I have never met a date at a gym, amongst many classes filled with beautiful women. I assume women do not want to be talked to by random guys.
Your profile should describe yourself more than it should be cool. While popular, empty profiles are indicative of not having a personality. Long profiles scream, “This person actually wants a conversation. Hell, they might not ever shut up.” There is a balance is in the middle. But for me, a longwinded, very conversational person, I’d prefer to lean towards lengthy profile, even if it means less matches.
Ie, it is better to reflect your true self instead of a fake one that gets more matches. Unless you’re playing the dating apps like a game, you want good matches, not more matches.
To that point, it can be better to include something positive that weeds people out who are not a match. If you want to date a nonsmoker, you can either write “No smokers” or “I do not smoke.” It might not make a difference. But the positive, second option is inviting. It’s seems like a stupid characteristic to mention, but it implies that you want a likeminded not smoker, or someone willing to quit.
In my case, I will swipe left on “1.9m and up.”Yay, we BOTH saved time! You dont need to deal with a shorty, I dont need to deal with wearing heels. I might swipe right on “I’m 1.9.” Because I’m fine dating tall women. Hopefully they dont mind I’m smol. Point is, something needs to be a really hard line to phrase it negatively. Each hard red line means a smaller dating pool.
Joke about your insecurities and move on. Every few months I see someone go viral for executing this briliantly. Like the one-armed babe on Tinder with a profile, “Body 10/10, Personality 10/10, arms 1/2.” I’m short. I have a picture next to a sign, “We are small, and we are proud of it.” Joking is the only approach, especially early on. I can not stress this enough. Yes, your insecurities are important conversations, and not laughing matters. Give it some time before that discussion.
Many people today have mental health issues. Most are smart enough to not put it in their profile and talk about it the entirety of a first date. It’s an important subject and place to connect, but it’s not anyone’s sole defining characteristic. And if it is, that person should not be dating.
You gained weight since your pictures? Fine. Make a joke about it before first date, and move on. If it’s as big of a deal to your date as it is to you, you can address it later. Why not focus on fun instead?
For every insecurity you raise on yourself, ask which redeeming traits balance them out. You do not need to be your biggest enemy. You need to be your hype man, especially on dates.
Focus on fun! This is similar to being confident, because confident people are usually fun, if not overly arrogant. Fun means: talk about things you enjoy talking about. Do things you enjoy doing. If you dont like going to a fancy restaurant, dont offer. If you need to drink and/or take drugs to have fun, be upfront. If your ideas of fun dont line up, it’s not a good match.
You’re not obigated to simp and do whatever the other wants.
Most good relationships require both parties give. Their foundation can’t be one persont taking.
Communication is always key. I hate ghosting. I would rather give a reason for not talking, even if it’s not the real one. Sure, I wont ever admit to a date, “I just wasn’t attracted to you.” But I can say, “I think we have different styles. There just wasn’t the right chemistry.” Which means the same thing.
We all know, “It’s not you, it’s me.” is BS, and “I’m just not ready to date” omits the ending word, “YOU.” But we don’t know what ghosting means, and it serves 0 purpose.
Do not ghost! Do not ghost! Do not…! If someone is a bad match, say so. If they harass you ater that, you know you made a good decision speaking. There is no situation where ghosting is the answer.
I’m frequently asked how to improve a dating service profile. To repeat my 4th bullet, it’s better to have a worse profile that gets better matches. It’s like the logic of having a few, good friends rather than a ton of friends. Or if I’m going to double anology it, it’s better to have a few, solid dollar bills vs 70 dirty pennies.
I’ll give some specific dating profile tips because you’re probably tired of vague advice. You made it this far into my rant, and deserve some bad advice:
Men — have one picture with attractive female friend(s). Not ex(es). Not more than one of these pictures. Here’s my strange logic: First, people judge you off your circle. By simply hanging in an attractive group, someone can be seen more attractive. So it’s important dates see you with attractive men and women. Second, it shows you’re capable of trust. Women like to see another woman trusts you. Third, and this might be contreversial, most women want to be friends with other attractive women. This is beyond the idea of straightness being a spectrum, though some may say the spectrum plays into it. Why just one? You only have n pics, and more than one picture with attractive women could send a message you’re too narcistic, have high standards, or the girl is an ex you’re not over.
Men — have five or six pictures in your profile. Not more. Because who cares? Not less, because it makes women question if the profile is real. It’s weird. I’m generalizing saying men are guilted for having too many selfies and glamor shots, even by women who have many more selfies and glamor shots. You’re expected to have six nice photos, even if you don’t like taking pictures.
If you really dont have any photos, consider paying a professional to take (fake) casual shots. I have not done this, yet, but imagine it’s worth the money. There are many photogs who explicitly say they work towards better dating profiles.
Best photo first, showing your face. Bumble insists on this already. The idea is that people swipe quick, usually off the first photo. Might as well get the decision over with.
You’re not going to trick someone by hiding your face, unless you plan to never meet in real life. You’re not being honest if you don’t look like your pics. Save the time and embarassment and get accurate photos of yourself.
Everyone — please include a profile. I know women can get 10 Million matches even with 1 picture and no text. Men are pigs. But please, some profile. It makes conversation so much easier.
I bet there’s 10,000 people who go, “No one can have a conversation these days.” That’s not true. The problem is, you’re not easy to talk to. There’s nothing that screams, “Here’s an interest to discuss.” I your profile is barren, you should expect messages like, “Hi. Uhm. Do you have interests?”
Everyone — learn to write properly. Break up sentences. Don’t write in a language you don’t know.
Living and traveling overseas, I can not count the times I saw a profile in English, only to be frustrated to learn that the person does not actually speak English well. You don’t speak 6 languages because you can ask for the bathroom in each. You speak a language if you can conversate with it.
My advice with writing is to break sentences up as much as possible. If you can say it with more periods, do so. Then read it in your head. You need to be a great writer for a long sentence. Most of us arent. I’m not. Our “and, and, also, but, then, so,” sentences read confusing.
Finally, the most important dating advice I and many others believe is the ‘Minimum age dating equation.’ It goes like so: f(x) = x/2 + 7 . x is the older person’s age, and the result is the minimum age they can date, without it being creepy. This means 18 year olds should only date 16+, 30 year olds can date 22+, and 60 year olds can date 37+. People under 14 shouldn’t date. Also, the age for losing your virginity is 17.
Dont overthin it.
You’re better off without her, king
A shitpost. The original asks the girl about weight, another topic.
There’s a LOT of tall prisoners too
