In April 2023, I wrote an essay parodying the style of Jordan Peterson, focusing on hygiene tips. I haven’t published much lately and, as they say, "publish or perish," so below is that essay. It covers hygiene habits that I find not only environmentally friendly but also better for personal cleanliness:

1. Use a reusable washcloth or, at the very least, a disposable loofah instead of your hand.
2. Take a navy shower (or a cold one) to conserve water and invigorate yourself.
3. Understand shampoo and conditioner—these products are opposites, and most days, you don’t need one or both of them.
4. Pee in the shower. It’s fine. Trust me. I am science.
5. Don’t rinse your mouth after brushing your teeth. Let the fluoride and other chemicals do their job.
6. Yes, toilet paper has a correct direction: unravel it outwards, not inwards. It matters.

For the record, I haven’t read Peterson’s works, nor do I intend to. My interest in him begins and ends with a mild appreciation for his willingness to admit when he’s been wrong. I’m sure he’s wrong all the time, just ilke the rest of us.

The Sudsy Philosophy: Unraveling TP and Life's Mysteries Through Personal Hygiene

In the grand narrative of existence, where chaos and order perpetually dance, there lies a profound, albeit often overlooked, domain not of philosophy or existential musing but of the concrete and sudsy world of personal hygiene. This realm, with its rags, loofahs, and the paradoxical duo of shampoo and conditioner, serves as a metaphor for life's broader challenges and triumphs. But beyond metaphors, our daily rituals in the bathroom can also illuminate a path toward a more sustainable and eco-conscious existence.

The journey to self-improvement, to mastering the art of existence, may indeed commence in the confines of one's bathroom. Here, the humble rag stands as a testament to versatility, transforming the murky waters of disorder into a serene pool of clarity. Similarly, the loofah, with its gentle abrasiveness, teaches the value of renewal—of shedding past burdens to reveal the renewed self beneath. Beyond symbolism, opting for reusable cloths and sponges over disposable alternatives reduces waste and supports a greener planet.

The saga continues with the enigmatic dance of shampoo and conditioner. Shampoo, stripping away the old, mirrors the necessity of confronting and clearing past traumas. Conditioner, offering restoration, speaks to the importance of healing and fortifying oneself for the journey ahead. This balance between removal and rejuvenation mirrors the existential balance between chaos and order, but it also calls us to reconsider how much we use. A modest dollop of product suffices, saving both water in rinsing and resources in production.

For those bold enough to seek resilience and rebirth, the cold shower emerges as a practice in endurance. The initial shock, daunting yet invigorating, symbolizes the trials one must endure for growth. But for the eco-conscious, a more moderate approach is the navy shower: getting wet, turning off the water while soaping, and only rinsing when needed. This practice, born from necessity aboard naval ships, teaches resourcefulness, using just a fraction of the water a traditional shower consumes. The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency highlights how this can significantly reduce household water use, benefitting both the planet and your utility bill. I highlight that you need to leave soap on your body for 30 seconds for it to work.

In a surprising yet eco-friendly twist, the act of peeing in the shower joins the list of sustainable practices. Urine, sterile and harmless when diluted with running water, allows for one less toilet flush—a practice that can save up to 1.6 gallons of water per event. While unconventional, its hygienic safety has been supported by studies emphasizing that healthy individuals produce sterile urine, minimizing risk when combined with regular shower cleaning.

Even the orientation of toilet paper bears an impact on our environmental footprint. Placing the roll to unspool from the top allows for more controlled use, reducing unnecessary waste. It also avoids the risk of contamination from walls or floors, maintaining a cleaner and more hygienic environment. Such small, intentional changes reflect a commitment to mindfulness that extends beyond the bathroom. If one is not mindful of their TP, pee-pee and bowel activity, they’re not really mindful at all.

The grooming ritual, particularly the precursor shave with an electric trimmer followed by the careful strokes of a razor, unfolds as a metaphor for life's meticulous challenges. The trimmer, efficient and precise, encourages tackling problems with foresight, while the razor demands precision, underscoring the significance of the finishing touches that define our endeavors' outcomes. Yet even here, sustainability plays a role—opting for reusable razors over disposables reduces waste, and proper maintenance ensures longevity.

Another minor yet crucial habit lies in resisting the impulse to rinse your mouth after brushing your teeth. The fluoride and other compounds in toothpaste are not mere residues to be washed away but essential agents of fortification, building a barrier against decay and chaos. To rinse is to undo the very protection you sought—to reject order and embrace the fleeting comfort of immediacy over the enduring benefits of discipline. Let the fluoride remain, steadfast on your teeth, as a testament to your commitment to long-term care and responsibility.

Finally, there is the act of laundering towels and bed sheets, especially after an acne breakout, which highlights the necessity of addressing issues at their source. This practice not only mitigates the problem but also serves as a lesson in proactive problem-solving, urging us to refresh our surroundings and, by extension, our lives. Pair this with an eco-conscious detergent and cold-water washing of clothes, and even routine chores contribute to a greener lifestyle. [Hot water for towels is an unavoidable energy need for being pretty.]

Through these acts of personal hygiene, we uncover profound truths about existence, responsibility, and the pursuit of an ordered life. Each act, from the mindful conservation of water in a navy shower to the thoughtful disposal of waste, imparts lessons on efficiency, mindfulness, and the consequences of our actions. Whether through metaphors of renewal or practical strategies for conservation, the simple routines of cleanliness offer a blueprint for a cleaner, greener, and more ordered existence. Let us approach these rituals with care, intention, and thoughtfulness—not just for ourselves, but for the world we inhabit.

What do you think? Will you change any hygiene habits after this? Or continue to put gel soaps direclty in your palm like some sort of animal… that uses soap.

PS I’m also a firm believer in the Courtesy flush. Since it’s not a “green” practice to flush your browns right away, I did not include it above.

I like to end with memes. Alas, I don’t know many hygiene memes. You’d think toilet humor would have more jokes in 2024 than gas station hats about gaslighting. So instead I’ll share a reminder that the patent for TP is proof that there is a correct direction: