Modern Etiquette for Max Efficiency 2: Dating Math
In my second rant about “modern etiquette,” I’ll tackle the thorny, often confusing, world of dating rules.
Section 1: The Birds, the Bees, and South Park
I never got the “Birds and the Bees” talk. I was raised by TV. In my early teens I learned from South Park that the age for losing your virginity is 17. I never questioned it.
“So, you mean 17, but only if you’re in love?”
“Nope. Just 17.”
Jokes aside, I agree with Chef’s wisdom. In modern times, 17 is the age—old enough to consent, but not too old to feel left out. Of course, consent and comfort are non-negotiable, but generally, 17 works. That’s about 4 or 5 years after reaching adulthood in ancient Jewish custom.
For hundreds of years, dating rules were completely different. Parents arranged marriages, and if a woman was lucky, she might get to ask a few basic questions about her prospective husband’s income or height. The old “no sex until marriage” evolved into “no sex until the third date.” But these days, rules have given way to guidelines. Sex on the first date can be OK.
The only modern dating rule is “The Half Plus Seven Rule,” referred to by myself, XKCD fans and others as “Standard Creepiness Rule.” It sets the minimum age of a person you can date as half your age plus seven years. It means you can only start dating at 14, and only with people your exact age. I’ve included a handy graph from Wikipedia above.
The logic is simple: the younger you are, the smaller the acceptable age gap. A 20-year-old dating a 40-year-old is, de facto, creepy. A 40-year-old dating a 60-year-old? Mildly abnormal, at best. Not sorry to the groomers at Burning Man who disagree, so don’t @me.
You can work this rule backwards if you date older people. I round up, though others may argue half-year ages are legitimate.
“Excuse me, I am 31 AND A HALF!”
Let’s review: At 17, your dating range is roughly 16–20. But if your partner is 16, you’ll have to wait until they’re of age for certain activities. After all, the golden rule is 17…
Note: XKCD’s Randall Munroe once excessively elaborated on the Standard Creepiness Rule for an early web comic. He noted that the dating pool widens as people age—peaking between 40 and 60. Median marriage ages have shifted, too. In 2021, women typically married at 28.6, men at 30.6. People are waiting longer to tie the knot—or avoiding it altogether. We get into that in the second part.
Section 2: Love is Ambiguous and Uncertain. Do it anyways.
Ana Swanson
Dating rules have softened over time, becoming more like guidelines. Take the door-holding etiquette: it’s no longer mandatory but situational. Larry taught us, “Type + Distance = No door hold!” I might factor age, eye contact and my mood into my guideline. Apply similar logic to dating: factor in timing, chemistry, mood, and personal context.
If you’re struggling to date in your teens or early 20s, don’t panic. You’ve got decades ahead of you—depending on whether you want biological children. That doesn’t mean you should avoid marrying your high school sweetheart; it just means there’s hope for the rest of us.
“Find love in a homeless place,” or whatever Rihanna said.
In this section, I’m talking about guidelines, not rules. IAMU: It’s all made up. If you are strugggling to date in your teens and early 20s, it’s not necessarily a sign. You have another decade or three to find your match, depending on your want to have biological children. Do you.
Take the movie American Pie 2, which posits that the “actual” number of people a person slept with is exaggerated: men overreport by three times, while women underreport by a third. Why? Society. Men are praised for conquests; women are judged. That is a guideline, not a rule, and honesty always varies. Some people are honest, not wanting to mislead. Some even have a list of their sexual exploits, fearing that one day they’ll have to give a dreaded “Get checked” call to the last few.
You may be dating one person now, wondering if a new partner will be better. In the 1960s, Mathematician Martin Gardner wrote about “The Secretary Problem” in Scientific American. It has been applied to all major life choices. It the context of dating, this theory handles this uncertainty of when to stop dating and settle down. Because who’s better to break down a highly contextual issue than a math nerd?
The idea is to date and reject until you’ve evaluated about 37% of your options—then settle for the next best match. The logic assumes you can’t go back to previous partners. For me, that tracks. Restarting relationships rarely ends well, and is highly annoying for your friends who trashed your ex as manipulative, abusive, !@#$-y, or whatever. Others employ the “I’ve changed! Let’s start over!” technique with varying success.
[Note: A previous post of mine said more than six relationships used to be considered too many. It was in jest.]
The math nerd says if you could date 100 people in your lifetime, you should date and reject the first 37, then settle for the next one better than all the previous.
Unfortunately, you can’t really figure out your total number of lifetime dates, so this logic is fuzzy. Maybe it works for someone in a strict caste system, with a limited dating pool. Not to toot my own ho horn, but I’ve alrady dated a hundred people, so I guess I stop at #370?
Also, rejections happen because of bad timing, a single awkward line, or just not vibing—not because you failed to optimize person #37. But let’s pretend like you are the only person who matters, and your dates don’t have a say, for the sake of playing along with Gardner.
Gardner’s theory offers a sliver of wisdom: if you’ve only dated 3 or 4 people, you probably don’t know what you’re looking for. The more you date, the better you understand your preferences. Or so Gardner alleges.
Other mathematicians disagree. Minoru Sakaguchi suggested reviewing 60.7% of your options before settling down. Maybe she just liked dating more? She reached person #38 during a weird time in her life, and continued to #69. [Sorry, I had to.]
These are postmodern times. Everything isn’t a strange TED Talk anymore. Things don’t need to make sense. Doo Wop singer Jimmy Soul famously argued not to pick someone attractive, but rather someone who cooks well. Maybe that guideline works better.
We don’t make rational decisions. We want our partners to be ‘the one.’ Not ‘the third best, but the one got married and had kids.’
Section 3: Final Takeaway
My biggest advice for people who are dating: Always have fun. Maybe I should have started there, but I’m not editing this thing again. If you are not having fun, your date will probably not have fun either. Do what you find fun, and if there is chemistry, you will have fun together. But put yourself first, at least til a relationship develops. At worst, you have fun, and your date doesn’t. [Based on true stories: ] If your date is not having fun, tell them politely that they are free to leave, and get a drink with the table next to you that was eavesdropping. It’s better for everyone.
While dating theories are fascinating (or absurd), they boil down to this: don’t rush, but don’t endlessly search either. In a world of infinite dating apps, it’s okay to explore more than a few options—but at some point, learn to settle. Statistically, your first love isn’t your best love, but that’s okay.
You don’t need to date all the fish in the sea to find “the one.” But maybe date a third of them. Or two-thirds. It’s up to you. Guidelines, not rules, are meant to be broken.
And that’s why… 17.
