The Unspoken Sauna Rules
My biggest nightmare
I live in Tel Aviv and go to a gym, so naturally, it's a gay gym. I didn’t realize this for a long time. I thought a gay gym would have, you know, gay things—people dancing to ABBA, a Kegel station, same-sex hookups. Turns out, it’s just like any other gym. Except sometimes I walk into the sauna and have to leave immediately.
I love the sauna. The sauna is a great Soviet tradition that us Russia-gringos have appropriated. But there are a lot of unspoken rules about the sauna. You know, the real rules. Not those fake ones they post on the door: "Don't stay more than 10 minutes"—hahahaha. Or "Wear a towel"—good luck convincing Old Man Winter that he doesn’t need his balls directly on the wood. You can ignore those written rules.
So here are my unspoken rules of the sauna, very different from the written rules.
Rule #1: Never Leave the Door Open
Not to talk to someone. Not if there's a fire and you're evacuating. Never. When you open the door, your mission is to close it as soon as possible. Then triple-check that it’s fully shut, especially in gyms where the heat leaks out. If you want to talk to someone inside, go inside. This is the #1 rule. People who break it deserve the death penalty, no less.
Rule #2: It Is Never Hot Enough
You can make a comment that it's hot. You can pull a Kramer—"It's like a sauna in here!" But you cannot cool it down. The whole point is that it's hot. It’s supposed to be as hot as possible—so hot that if you bring your phone inside, it evaporates. There’s no "I want to stay for 30 minutes, so now everyone else has to suffer." You spend 2 minutes if you need to, and us sauna pros will spend 15 minutes, vomit, then try for another 5.
In fact, the mark of a bad sauna is people using their electronics inside. I’ve been to gyms in America where people watch TV shows on their phones in the "sauna." That’s not a sauna. That’s a glorified Dutch oven. That’s people farting in a slightly warmer room.
To be very serious for a second, saunas should be above 180 degrees Fahrenheit (82°C) for real benefits. Look it up or listen to Joe Rogan or whatever. It. Is. Supposed. To. Be. Hot.
Rule #3: Never Mess with the Never-Nudes or the Often-Nudes
It's not cool. Yes, the written rule says everyone should wear a towel. But millennials and younger were raised wearing their underwear in the sauna, sitting atop everyone's collective sweat. Some of us shower at home. And the boomers? They just love being naked in front of the boys. I don't know why. Yes, I judge. And I accept it. It’s tradition to see something you don’t want to see every few months in the sauna. And remember, at my gym, you see much worse. Consider yourself lucky..
Rule #4: The Secret Sauna Flirt Move
On the podcast We Might Be Drunk, someone claimed that adding essential oils is a secret gay sauna test. But then gay expert Matteo Lane debunked this, saying he’s never heard of such a thing. He’s right, essential oils are for everyone who wants to penetrate your nostrils. I’m here as a straight to teach the Homosapients.
The secret sauna flirting move is what I call the Matador. It’s a quick flick of the towel in the air, like a matador's cape. The guy pretends he’s drying his face with the part of the towel that was just on his ass. Straight guys instinctively avert our eyes and pretend nothing happened. We ignore it. But for same sex attracted people it’s an opportunity to check out what's being offered—like a dowry. Interestingly, this move is so unspoken, so instinctual, that even my gay friends only admit to it after some role play.
All the other "secret signals" are just straight paranoia. He’s just being nice.
Rule #5: People Can Talk at Any Volume, in Any Language
I get it. Sometimes you just want to unwind, basking in 180-degree heat in the grossest possible environment outside of any yoga class. But that does not override other people’s right to talk. There’s no shushing in the sauna. One person wanting silence doesn’t mean two or more people can’t have a conversation. Deal with it. Buy your own sauna if you want peace and quiet.
The flip side? Everyone is expected to eavesdrop and is allowed to join in any sauna conversation. If you discuss something personal, expect unsolicited advice.
I didn’t make these rules, but I am the one making them public. Let me know what you think.
