A few days ago, I wrote about the unspoken sauna rules, which started as jokes from a stand-up bit I did last year. The other half of that bit had me acting out the two most gendered weightlifting exercises. I may as well draw out and exhaust that joke too.

See, men are obsessed with upper body strength, so they flock to fly machines and cables like it’s their destiny, convinced that being really good at opening doors is peak fitness. For my bit I flexed and joked, “Bro, come in for a hug!”

Meanwhile, women? They do hip thrusts. Big, heavy, pelvis-powered thrusts. And since the premise of my joke is that I go to a “gay gym”, I couldn’t help but notice—they look like power bottoms, aka gay men who are dominant but also too lazy for push-up position.

It wasn’t my best joke, but the real joke was in the physical comedy—watching me mime the workout and come to terms with my nonexistent glutes in real-time. A pro might do the whole Eric Prydz “Call On Me” routine, or run in circles trying to escape their own butt.

Anywhoodles, the point is that at any gym in 2025, you’ll see women throwing four plates onto a bar or machine for hip thrusts like it’s light work, while jacked dudes struggle with two. I have 2m, 120 kilo bear friends who struggle and grunt trying to keep up with the weights of the 70 kilo, big booty ladies. It got me thinking: why are women so insanely good at this exercise?

So, I did some research. But science is boring and for nerds (like me), so I rewrote it in full Bro Science mode—just like I did in my recent essay on excessive protein consumption (but without AI this time so hopefully it’s funnier).

Enjoy!

0. Leg Day

Boys! Boys! Boys! I recently learned you can work out the lower half of your body. I started with the euszh: squats, leg curls, kickbacks, leg presses, squats again. But my gay workout accountabillabuddy Mohammad would always boast his hip thrusts, an exercise I had not tried outside the bed room. And after a few sesses where I overted my fragile heterosexual eyes from his thrusts, I decided to get over my moronic heteronormative fears of working out my butt. I tried it out and was immediately humbled.

Not to brag, but I’ve had my fair share of sexy time with larger ladies. Thicc girls, if you will. And I didn’t have death by snu snu. But my ego was crushed when I saw Minnie, Tahlia and other young ladies get on the thrust machine after Mohammad and I, throwing on another 40 kilos… for their warm up. They can barely rack these weights, but they can thrust them like that bald porn star in all the memes. Gym babes could put on a strap-on, lay down, and lift a sumo wrestler with their hips.

Women are naturally better at this butt shaping exercise than men. I looked into why women’s posteriors are so much more powerful than men’s, so I would have my excuses the next time I felt embarassed by some numbers that I probably shouldn’t pay attention to. Of course, these days, I’m not a scientist. So take the following with a grain of protein powder. It turns out that women’s superior hips come from a mix of biology, bro science, and male insecurity. Let’s dive in to biological differences with thrusting.

1. Women Were Built for Thrusts

Excuse #1, women pelvises are optimized for glute activation. Their glutes are naturally stronger relative to body weight. Their hips are engineered by G-d and/or higher estrogen levels to thrust efficiently. For some science reason, women have a higher proportion of Type I muscle fibers in the lower body, which are more fatigue-resistant and excel at high-rep training. This means more volume and quicker recovery, aka more effective high-load thrusting movements. They are natural power bottoms.

Women generally have a wider pelvis and a more favorable hip angle (Q-angle), which allows them to generate more force in hip-dominant movements like thrusts. Their hip structure allows for better leverage and mechanical advantage in thrusting movements. They can twerk it and work it better than us men.

Straight dudes rarely use our hips unless we are actively procreating or power cleaning. We have to learn. It doesn’t come natural. This is why when a guy tries a hip thrust, he looks like he’s trying to fight off an invisible gay ghost. And, to digress, most men are taking sex advice from other clueless men, not the women who they’re trying to impress. That’s not helping.

2. Women (& Gay Men) Are on a Quest for the Perfect Cake

Beauty standards have changed. At some point, maybe after the rise of Sir Mix-A-Lot, women all agreed that having a gravity-defying ass was the ultimate sign of success. Kim Kardashian solidified this cultural trend. It was a real 180 from the 80s Jane Fonda Workouts, back when women thought big butts made you look impovershed, and flat butts were a sign of wealth. Back then, women did all they can to lose their booty meat.

Today, women get injections, Brazilian butt lifts, various other surgeries, and, if they’re real desperate, even do exercises, for a bigger booty. Those ladies (and gay men) doing booty exercises do it hard, sometimes twice or three times a week. These gym babes are hitting 405 lbs for reps and checking their own form in the mirror, timing rest and plotting how to make gains. They’re the true heroes of the gym.

Straight dudes aren’t ever considering what our asses look like. It could be concave for all we care. Unlike women, our butts are for pooping and farting, things we’re convinced women don’t do. We are fine looking like Hank Hill.

Some women adjust their entire life around their badonkadonks. They’ll buy leggings with butt-sculpting technology, they’ll watch YouTube tutorials on “How to Make Your Ass Look Like a Pixar Mom”, and they’ll calibrate every squat to optimize cheek growth. One ex, with more butt than brain, would layer shorts under a skirt for the perfect “look down here” style. It’s hard to not worship their hard work.

Straight men? We can spend two hours in the gym and never once glance at our own backside. It’s just not calculated into our aesthetic, even though it shoudl be. We look forward. Rubbernecking ourselves feels odd. In staright culture, if you touch your own buttocks and don’t pretend it’s a boob, it means the gays got you. Which is a shame, because straight women do often care about what we’re working with, on both sides.

3. The Mind-Butt Muscle Connection

Women actively engage their glutes with precision and purpose. They samba. They twerk. They warm up their butt muscles before squats. They fire their glutes when they walk. Some can make their ass clap without moving their legs.

Straight guys? We are notorious for awkward movements. We hide our butts. Don’t ask us to throw our butt in the air.

Men, your glutes are back there, sleeping like a hibernating bear, because you never activated them properly. OK I’ve seen enough funny vids of Australian bros to know #notallmen , but outside of Down Under, where they’re a bit broadder in the beam, men aren’t focusing enough on their down unders.

4. “No Homo”

The number one reason men don’t train glutes? They’re afraid it’s gay. It’s not. We’re just a stupid species. Men—dumb dumb men—think, “What if my ass gets big and attracts a man? I’d hate to be treated like women are!”

The moment a straight dude does anything remotely glute-focused, he panics and yells “no homo.” Could you imagine having to say “no homo” after each rep?

But times are changing. Men are less likely to pat each other’s butt after a baseball game, in part because nobody plays baseball. They don’t whip each others butts with towels in the lockerroom either. There’s more concern over sexual harassment, and more acceptance of our gay bretherin.

Look, having an ass flatter than Florida is fine. But the imbalance and subsequent lower back pain isn’t. So consider an occasional thrust, or even unironically hopping onto a hip abduction machine. I promise you’re not “working out your vagina.” (Fawn Moscato (New Girl), "Power eminates from the vagina, so why block it?") And it’s 2025, so even if you are, that’s OK.

5. Final Thoughts

Women and gay men figured out the secret to elite-level ass gains while straight men were still debating whether training abs is worth it. But men have the potential to change this. Here’s the way us straights get a hip thrust redemption arc:

Admit You Have an Ass – Look in the mirror. Accept its existence. It’s there.
Stop Skipping Leg Day – Self explanatory.
Do Your Glute Activation – It’s OK if you use resistance bands and dress like Richard Simmons. Suck it up. Do some kegals even.
Learn Proper Form – Kill your ego. Numbers don’t matter. If your lower back hurts during a thrust, congorts, you’re doing it wrong. Try again.

Lower back pain is the worst. And thrusts will help your core, translating to better squats, bench press and other “manly” exercise.

And if you’re still worried about looking “gay” while training your glutes, just remember: You’re wrong. Women love men with strong glutes. Symmetry is sought in body building. You don’t need a belt if your butt keeps your pants up. And finally, maybe your gym crush or future gym crush will notice you and ask for a pointer if you do similar excercises, and do them right.

So grow an ass that makes your ancestors proud.

Am I too booty obsessed? Let me know what you think!

Shortly after posting this i saw a video of some Australians running onto a field with comments really proving that 1. Men are afraid of their own asses 2. Women are not.