Temu Sucks
Alternative titles: “Temu, More Like Te-meh!” and “Temu Is Mandarin for ‘Ripoff’”
Source unknown
0. Temu Preview
I’ve heard about Temu addictions for what feels like a decade. Apparently, the foreign e-tailer, best known for deliberately bizarre ads and dopamine-inducing promotions, only launched in 2022, making me super late, even if not 2000-and-late.
During a recent move, my Temu ads shifted from bizarre and grotesque to products hyper-specific to my actual wants: curtains, hooks for hanging things, organizational stuff. I used this opportunity to explore how Temu addiction happens, knowing full well that the general consensus is that Temu products are gar-báge. And if you don’t care to read approximately three pages: Yes, they are indeed gar-báge.
I’m outlining how Temu’s scammy promos work, giving quick reviews of everything I bought before realizing I’d purchased crap I didn’t need, throwing in some Guidance Space shopping tips, and ending with some “classic Temu ads” in case you didn’t understand my second paragraph.
Note: “Wish” is the site with the really, really, really weird ads. Give that a Goog after this. I SAID AFTER.
Example of a Temu Wheel Ad
1. Ooh, Shiny Deals!
If something seems too good to be true…
We all know it. So my $200 experiment really is just evidence that I need a conservator, like Britney Spears had (and likely still needs). Some men spend real money on porn, and I assume that is more shameful than filling your apartment with cheap items and writing a blog post about it.
The most important thing to know is that Temu does everything it can to get you hooked. No matter what you spend, $1 or $100, you are guaranteed to get repeated ads saying you’ll receive money off, then ads about getting four free items, then six free items, etc. Eventually, they use Inception technology to enter your dreams and tell you that your dog really needs a fourth bed.
While I never got the standing desk or specialized shelves I kept getting ads for, because I’m fairly sure they don’t really exist, I did wind up with four dog beds for two bedrooms.
Temu’s main discounts work like this: They jack up the prices of cheap items so that a discount makes the price seem reasonable. Imagine: “A $1 slice of pizza for $5? No way! What a ripoff. Oh, now you’re discounting it to $2? How could I not?”
The more you spend, the greater the “savings,” because they’re not really savings. If you buy stuff marked $100, you pay $50. It costs Temu $5. If you buy stuff marked $200, you pay $100. You just went from $50 to $100 in savings on $10 worth of stuff! [Never mind that you didn’t need it to begin with.]
Maybe they even throw in a “discount” for your next purchase. Another chance to spend money on stuff you never needed in the first place!
The free-item promos are as dishonest as the many videos advertising nonexistent products. The disclaimers on the side carefully hide how everything works in legalese, but Reddit and others have divulged the bottom line. Even so, the Jew in me had to try for free items. “If it’s free, it’s for me.”
You get an ad saying you’re eligible for free items if you “spin a wheel,” which is, of course, just a preprogrammed animation designed to encourage clicks. Surprise, you landed on the best prize! Wouldn’t it be funny if they programmed it so you didn’t?
All the while, you’re told how amazing you are and how exciting your free stuff is.
“You get four free items! Now six free items! Now your dad is going to call and tell you he’s proud of you. Now seven free items!”
After minutes of clicking through animations, answering important questions like “How many months are in a year?” (one of their actual defaults), and completing other tasks to vaguely prove you’re human, you reach “90% completion” toward your nonexistent reward.
Then the first catch appears: “Invite three friends to finish.”
If you do that, you reach 91% before another message pops up: “Haha, sucker. Now invite three more. Obey!”
I sent the links to random realtors so I could keep going because, boy, do I hate local realtors.
“92%. Don’t stop now, rube. Invite people on another app. Obey!”
The progress bar stops moving. You’re just inviting people for nothing. Sorrow hits.
Allegedly, IF one of your invitees signs up for the app AND buys a bunch of junk WITHIN 24 HOURS, you might maybe possibly get something for free. Nobody seems to have actually managed to get the “free items.” But many have passed on the Temu STD, Shopping-Transmitted Disease, while trying.
KEEP READING TO GET FREE TEMU ITEMS! FREE! FREE! FREE!
2. 600 Sheks of Temu Crap
Don’t trust Temu reviews. Everything has five stars. I worked in marketing and PR, so I knew that meant absolutely nothing.
“Oh, the site doesn’t post its bad reviews?”
To better explain what’s wrong with each purchase, I ranked everything from “might recommend to an eccentric person” to “seriously, just burn your money.” I’ll provide my reason for purchasing it and what’s wrong with it.
Magnetic Refrigerator Calendar: 5 Stars
Why I bought it:
My whiteboard hardened over the last few years, and I love magnets. [Yes, whiteboards can harden! Who knew?]
What’s wrong with it:
Cheap quality, but expected. My fiancée didn’t like the lack of space for writing lists. I thought the notes section was fine.
Pet Bowls (Raised, Stainless Steel, Anti-Vomiting Dog Bowls): 5 Stars
Why I bought them:
I wanted both a raised dog-food bowl and something to slow down my dog’s eating due to some recent vomiting.
What’s wrong with them:
Exactly as expected. Cheap and does the job.
Back/buttscratcher: 4.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
It’s a backscratcher. Or a butt scratcher. And it is more socially acceptable than using a fork.
What’s wrong with it:
Honestly, a fork works better. But you won’t cut yourself with this.
Wooden Capybara Fridge Magnet: 4.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
I love capybaras (carpinchos). Again, I love magnets. It was like 5 shekels.
What’s wrong with it:
Low-quality wooden print… as expected. Still fridge worthy.
5-Piece Hat Hooks
Why I bought them:
I wanted to hang hats and actually should have bought more. They work.
What’s wrong with them:
My fiancée HAAAATES seeing hats on the wall.
2-Piece Hands-Free Dog Leash: 4 Stars
Why I bought it:
If I can ever run, this will be convenient. And it’s two pieces, so you can attach it to your belt or backpack if you don’t want to strap it around yourself.
What’s wrong with it:
Super cheap quality. Absolutely no way this thing holds up if you and the dog go in opposite directions.
Blackout Kitchen Curtains: 3.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
Needed curtains.
What’s wrong with them:
They look cheap.
Shower Hook + Shower Glove: 3.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
Needed somewhere to hang my washcloth or loofah.
What’s wrong with them:
Cheap adhesive. The shower glove looked gross within one week. Also, who uses a glove? Loofahs and washcloths are the only way.
3-Pack No-Drill Heavy-Duty Hooks: 3.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
Wanted to hang aprons.
What’s wrong with them:
Definitely not heavy-duty, but they work for aprons. Not good for a broom.
Funny Opossum Pillow Cover: 3.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
Super cheap and tacky, but I love opossums.
What’s wrong with it:
My fiancée hates it, and it doesn’t fit ANY pillows. Sort of on me for not measuring.
Various Shirts + Tanks: 2.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
I liked the prints and colors.
What’s wrong with them:
Super cheap quality. And the workout shirts are uncomfortable to work out in.
Extra-Large Washable Dog Mats (Bought Two Kinds): 2.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
My dog deserves at least one bed in every room, and they were cheap.
What’s wrong with them:
They’re so thin and small, even as “XL.” And it’s sort of on me, but the pictures show Labrador Retrievers and other big dogs, so it’s more on them. My dog isn’t Lab sized and just fits in both, but sticks to her better beds.
2 Nightlights: 2.5 Stars
Why I bought them:
It’s dark at night.
What’s wrong with them:
For the same price, you can get color-changing ones that add ambiance.
“Rustproof Corner Shower Shelf”: 2 Stars
Why I bought it:
I needed somewhere to put soaps in my bathroom, and I can’t drill into the wall.
What’s wrong with it:
The picture depicts two shelves, but you only get one. Mine came with a scratch that I’ll always notice when I get in the shower. Worse than Walmart quality.
Weightlifting Belt: 2 Stars
Why I bought it:
I do weighted pull-ups and dips. My new gym is missing this sort of belt.
What’s wrong with it:
The chain is so weak that I guarantee it will snap when I go over 5-10 kilos. And it has barely any padding, which makes it less useful than ankle weights.
Adjustable Weight Vest: 2 Stars
Why I bought it:
I’ve never tried one of these.
What’s wrong with it:
You need to add something to make it actually weighted, and I don’t know what. So this will probably just sit around forever unless I ever get on steroids.
Hanging Photo Decoration: 1.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
Thought it would be cute for my wedding.
What’s wrong with it:
I will ruin every picture I clip onto this thing!
Wooden Game Controller Stand: 1.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
We had two Switch controllers and an N64 controller lying around.
What’s wrong with it:
The picture shows two Xbox controllers and a pair of headphones hanging from it. No way! They must be mini versions or a different stand. I managed to get one Switch controller hanging and can jam another into the bottom sideways. No clue why they didn’t raise the top shelf by an inch or two to accommodate standard gaming controllers.
Giant Green Picture of a Cat: 1.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
I thought our living room needed a “green vibe.”
What’s wrong with it:
I don’t know. It’s just not right. I can’t even explain why.
10-Piece Magnetic Remote-Control Mount: 1.5 Stars
Why I bought it:
We have a lot of remotes.
What’s wrong with it:
Again, cheap adhesive. A few of the remotes were too heavy to stick to the wall. Also, apparently, it’s silly to get up and walk to a wall to retrieve a remote.
1-Piece Wrist and Forearm Strengthener (The Kind You Twist): 1 Star
Why I bought it:
I want to exercise my forearms.
What’s wrong with it:
The rope is way too short! You get about three twists and then have to release it.
XL Japanese Kimono: 1 Star
Why I bought it:
An ex took all my authentic kimonos more than 10 years ago.
What’s wrong with it:
It was so much smaller than depicted that, even on me, a short guy, it barely passed my waist. It’s made of super cheap material. Not comfortable, and it looks bad.
10-Piece Interlocking Exercise Mat Set: 1 Star
Why I bought it:
I wanted more comfort for sit-ups.
What’s wrong with it:
It’s not comfortable. The pieces are too small. I guarantee that if you dropped a weight on it, you would break your tiles.
“High-End Artificial Green Plants”: 1 Star
Why I bought them:
I love plants but am bad at taking care of them.
What’s wrong with them:
They don’t splay out, so they just look like plastic dreadlocks.
“4-Piece Artificial Hanging Plants”
Why I bought them:
Same as above.
What’s wrong with them:
They don’t even look like plants after assembly.
3. Final Tips
Don’t trust Temu descriptions, scores, or reviews. Especially don’t trust signs saying they have only three items left. It’s all BS. The items are not going away because the inventory isn’t that diverse. You actually find the same products over and over if you scroll for too long.
But boy, does that algorithm build on what it knows about you. Meaning that if you browse without buying, it builds up discounts and gives you better recs.
So, if you’re going to use Temu, don’t rush it. Take weeks. Put things in your cart, wait a week, and see if you can get rid of half of them before purchase day, because you really don’t need them. Then check another website for a better deal.
The most important thing when shopping on Temu is to take out a measuring tape and read the dimensions because they use pictures to throw you off. An XL dog bed may not hold a medium-sized dog. A controller stand may not hold your controller. You need to triple-check the sizes.
Finally, as I’ve previously written, shop around. Price leaders work by being really cheap in a few categories, normal in others, and possibly even overpriced in some. Actual shopping means looking for sales at stores that aren’t price leaders. Sometimes the fancy organic store has something it can’t get rid of, so suddenly it’s cheaper than Piggly Wiggly.
Maybe one day I’ll try AliExpress and be able to tell you if it really is better than Temu. Amazon.com is, for sure, though its selection is limited in many places, including Israel.
You’ll definitely feel better buying useless junk from a local store. It all comes from the same place, but at least you’re helping someone you might pass on the street here and there.
Hope that helps.
As promised, some Temu ads + some other ads because the internet yet again sorta failed at providing me what I wanted:
