A priest and a Jew walk into a bar bc our religions preach loving thy neighbor

When someone says “I’m Christian,” it can be taken as, “I have been to Church”, “My grandparents believed Jesus died for our sins” or “I like getting gifts on Christmas.” There is a diverse understanding of what it means to “be something.” Being is a subjective experience.

Despite the obvious subjectivity of “being,” groups are often badgered by outsiders with what it means to “be” a part of their group. Horrible humans insist “being black” means X, Y and Z (ex: voting Democrat), or “being Christian means א ב or ג” (ex: “Not being gay”). Minority groups are disproportionately hurt by this.

While only 0.2% of the world’s population defines themselves as Jewish, it’s estimated that more than 26% of the world dislikes Jews (or worse). “Being Jewish” is thus defined more often by our haters than ourselves, dangerously skewing perceptions of what “Jews” are.

I can note the $Millions spent by groups like Amnesty to fight against the Intl. Holocaust Remembrance Alliance (IHRA) definition of antisemitism. I can note that the word “antisemitism” lingers today, for absolute morons to claim things like, “I’m a semite, you’re not!” despite the fact “semitic” refers to languages, not people, and the term was popularized by a Nazi, Wilhelm Marr, with full knowledge it was a misnomyr.

But the best evidence is that our own bible refers to us as “Israelites,” a word that today feels reserved by a fringe, 21st-century, hate group, with ideas about history easily refuted by video evidence. We were once called “Palestinian” by the Romans, but today, we’re “Fake Jews” or “Cabal baby blood drinkers” by our haters, including faux-progressives who otherwise pride themselves in self-chosen labels.

In order to blame all your problems on one thing, you need to define that thing. And so antisemites are as obsessed with defining Jews as they are with scapegoating us. They dig for holes in our literature, attempting to say “Jews believe this ridiculous thing! See! See! We’re right about {{{them}}}!” It does not matter that nobody, and I mean not one single person, believes the entirety of scripture or Talmud.

When you’re outnumbered 130 fold, facts mean less than popular lies.

With that, I’ll share some of the nonsense Talmud portions that nobody follows, but haters use against us. I could just as easily share scripture, or insane Christian, Muslim, Hindu and other religious texts. But I’m Jewish, so I’ll stick to defining myself, not Others. That’s the point. At least until the supremacists can manage, “Thou shalt not kill.”

“Goyim,” a Term The Fragile White Supremacists Need

From a conspiracy sub filled with white supremacists, and of course, #FreePalestine supporters.

At the risk of repeating myself — years ago, I was kicked off Reddit for antagonizing the #FreePal death cult with links to news events about PA and Hamas child suicide bombers. More recently, a friend was kicked off a Reddit channel for posting links to data on Arab refugee crime rates. In both cases, we were not making blanket statements about Arab refugees. On the contrary, we were explicitly saying that Arab refugee “supporters” are focused on scapegoating (Jews) and dismiss more serious issues (a death cult perpetuating crime).

The moderators were not willing to read about this explosive elephant in the room. They could not rebut famous historic events and data gathered by Arab agencies. We were banned for using sources that illuminated issues with a popular narrative. Meanwhile, Millions of real and bot accounts remain to spew categorically false information. The same moderators who banned us continue to call for “resistance against illegal settlers,” which loosely translates to, “murder Jews if they live in these cities, which only Muslim Arabs, and their UN welfare providers, should get to live in!” Rules, in Judaism and on Reddit, are just as subjective as labels.

Reddit displays a microcosm of our issue. Jews are directly prevented from voicing their opinions, but it is fair game for our haters to insist on what we believe and do. Non-Jews show a troubling obsession with defining Jews, having decided that Judea, Hebron and Israel, are not relevant to our identity, despite our labels referencing them. The Jew haters fear us informing them “of our ways,” so they mute us.

Reddit is not short on neo-Nazis and other hate groups. If you want to find these troglodytes, simply search for “goyim” and you’ll find a long list of Flat Earthers, Free Palestine supporters and other dirtbags who brag they know what goyim means. They just don’t know goyim is the plural of “goy.” The image above comes from such a search, which pointed to one of many hate groups known to Reddit.

Bigots use the term goyim to insist it’s not they, the supremacists, who are isolating Jews from other races, but rather Jews who isolate themselves. It’s the old, “I know you are but what am I tactic.” Like, “Sure, Nazis put Jews in concentration camps, but did you see the shtetls they lived in before that? They were basically asking for it.”

Ignore that Judaism famously preaches coexistence and ideas like “thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Ignore that Israel gives disproportionately high amounts of aid to non-Jewish states. Again, it’s up to Jewish haters to define Jews.

ruth be told, Rabbinic literature did create a binary: Jew or Goy. However, their foundation, our Torah (bible), did not. The Bible introduced the word “goy” with a completely different meaning. In the 1st or 2nd century, after Christianity starts, we get this Jew-not Jew dichotomy. We simply do not have a “chicken or egg” situation (PS, the answer is always “egg”).

The order here is known: 1. Scripture preaches coexistence 2. Reality is 1000s of years of violence and persecution. 3. Jews are forced to hide their identity and isolate themselves 4. Emergence of Rabbis, esp in Poland and areas with pogrom, who respond to this hate by turning Goyim into a slur. Meaning, today there are some who use it as a slur. Others, like myself, just think it’s a funny term.

In my image above, you’ll see some alleged Talmudic chapters, used to prop up the Nazi beliefs of Jewish Supremacy. Here’s the thing: Not only do we not believe this stuff, all of these quotes were mistranslated or completely made up.

Yes, supremacists actually had to make up Jewish lit to justify their hate. It seems like excess work to me, considering Jew-haters tend to be the most gullible people on Earth. In the image you’ll see mentions of “Libbre David 37,” a fictional work. As one Redditer jokes, “I have it right here. It's stuck on my horn.”

For the morons who do the motions of fact checks—ie googling the premise then finding material to support it—non existent Talmud books were not enough. So today we have tons of mistranslations and misattributed quotes for the non-Aramaic speakers to fall for.

I’ll encourage reading Sanhedrin then re-reading the texts above. Many South Koreans, who actually read this Talmudic text, would easily identify the bullshit in the image above. Talmud has rules like, “Do not accept the wicked as witness.” These rules formulate an ancient, Jewish judicial system. This system differentiated rules for Jews, mandated to practice good deeds, from Goyim, who can do just about whatever their culture says. Sanhedrin is not about supremacy, but rather respecting that Jewish rules are not required for non-Jews.

Unfortunately, you need to read Sanhedrin to know this. And so, even Jewish people fall for some of these mistranslations. There are self-haters and naive who are desperate to find a reason for all the hate aimed at Jews, willing to accept obvious lies.

With context, Sanhedrin lines make sense. Without context and care for truth, Sanhedrin lines are wildly adapted to mean something new. Both Sanhedrin quotes above are fabricated, but have a basis in a mistranslations.

Warm Bread, Arousal and Lesbianism

It’s not just the tiki torch waving, Swastika and Star of David burning, proud bigots who are obsessed with defining Jews. Bigots in denial are also obsessed. New York Times repeatedly claimed the Western Wall as the holiest site to Jews, even after objections from Jews and corrections. The paper simply decided to downplay that Jews are connected to JEWrusalem as a whole. All the Rabbinical students who noted that the Temple Mount is our holiest site, and forbidden from Jews by Palestine supporters, did not matter to NYT.

Likewise, Reddit’s TIL has seen frequent obsession with Jews, by way of Israel. TIL is not a community of bigots. Sure, there are bigots in it, posting articles on Israel’s war on terror, every day, desperate to paint their blood libel beliefs as revelations they made today. There are also 10s of 1000s of non-bigots commenting on posts about our bizarre rabbinal studies.

I enjoy posts highlighting the obsession of Jews much more than posts obsessing over Israel. Unfortunately, posts on Jews with citations are quickly taken down out of misguided fears they’ll spread antisemitism, while articles about how Israelis kill “for funsies,” without any citation (because it’s just blood libel), are left up. Speaking on behalf of Jews, something I can not actually do, I’ll just say we can laugh at jokes about our religion, until it gets into the Protocols territory. Talmudic interpretations are whatever. They are not our bible. We don’t need to defend it. We laugh at people who take it seriously, esp snowflake white supremacists and Palestine Supporters, copy/pasting the same Talmud portions about Goyim over and over, hoping someone will care.

I went to Chabad growing up, but never got this lesson: https://www.chabad.org/torah-texts/5449206/The-Talmud/Yevamot/Chapter-8/Daf-76a I’m shortening it for clarity:

If a man’s member had been punctured and it later healed and the hole closed up with flesh, in any case where, if he would emit semen, it would tear open again, he is unfit to enter into the congregation;
Let our teacher teach us, what should we do to verify whether or not the perforation was adequately closed? Rav Yosef said to him: We bring warm barley bread and place it upon his anus [bei pukrei], and owing to the heat he emits semen, and we observe what happens and see whether or not the perforation remains closed.

Apparently, our wise forefathers believed the most simple, obvious way to find out if a man’s penis or testicles were crushed was to stick warm bread next to his anus. Don’t ask him, “Did you cut your wee-wee?” That’s too complicated. Try this trick instead…. to make sure he isn’t going to synagogue with holes in his penis.

Abaye said that a different method is used: We pass before him colorful garments of a woman, and thereby bring him to arousal, so that he will experience an emission... Not all men are brought to excitement when they merely see such clothes. the Gemara rejects this proposal and states that it is clear as we initially answered, that we follow the former procedure even though not all men require it.

Rabbi Abaye thought of a different way to find out if a man’s genitals were so severely injured, the man is rendered less holy. For some old-timey reason, I guess. Simply use a women’s “colorful garments.” Jokes aside, this idea seems slightly better to me than wasting bread, but still raises many questions.

What did Abaye mean by “colorful garments?” For simplicity, let’s pretend he meant panties. [He didn’t.]
In that case, Rabbi Abaye essentially came up with the panty raid. [Also, no.]

The rabbis, in their sage wisdom [/s], note that not #allmen get excited by colorful panties, or whatever. They insist on using their previous, foolproof method of arousing men by sticking warm bread near their anuses.

You got that, ladies? If your man cheats, you have two options: 1. Stick women’s underwear in front of him. It doesn’t matter who’s. 2. Put a fresh challah by his asshole. Do NOT ask him if he cheated. These methods will get your man erect, then you can check out his schlong (that’s yiddish!), and know if he’s holy enough to enter your congregation. Remember, you'r body is a holy temple too.

To be fair, who knows how many Jews with Prince Albert piercings or horrific bodily damage are going to temple. But this Talmud portion gets more relevant as it goes on.

according to Rabbi Elazar, who said that an unmarried man who has intercourse with an unmarried woman not for the sake of marriage renders her a zona, a woman who has had sexual relations with a man forbidden to her by the Torah , this applies only to intercourse with a man, but lewd behavior with another woman is mere licentiousness that does not render her a zona, and therefore she is still permitted to marry into the priesthood.

For those who don’t know, “Zona” means “bitch.” People curse, “Ben zona” (son of a bitch) or, “Bat zona” (daughter of a bitch). So the text first says a man can not sleep with a women, unless it’s for marriage. Next, it says women can not sleep with men, unless it’s for marriage. Finally, it says women can sleep with other women, so long as they eventually marry a nice Jewish Guy.

Talmud is so convoluted, this portion seems as equally progressive (permitting some lesbianism, as a treat), as it is regressive (insisting women are defined by their marriage to men). It reads like a fear of Goyim men marrying our women mixed with denialism of lesbianism.

This Talmudic chapter isn’t heavily discussed today. But Lesbian priesthood may have prevented a lot of unnecessary child diddling.

Ari Shaffir and The Waste of the 60th

Ex-Yeshiva Student and great, dark comedian, Ari Shaffir, released his comedy special Jew on YouTube. It’s a must watch both for Jews and haters looking for Jewish teachings to poke fun at. It includes everything from chicken sacrifices to fixation with Shesh Besh.

Ari talks about the Yiddish version of “Goy” as “shitting on you. It’s a derogatory word.” Despite my earlier rant about goy etymology, he’s right that “Mortal Kombat” (ultra-Orthodox) Jews often being dicks. There are racist Jews, not limited to the neturei karta and other fringe sects. Besides, it’s obvious why a heavily persecuted group would have a word for their abusers, and why a comedian avoids the nuance of etymology. I’m digressing.

Ari highlights some WTF moments from the Talmud, like how women are treated during menstruation. He accurately describes,

The Talmud is a series of ‘what ifs,’ to help caudify the law. So the Torah will say something like, ‘Though shalt not kill.’…
The talmud is like, ‘What about self defense?’”

Ari then describes some of his fave Talmudic teachings. The first is about having sex during fresh menstruation. You have to listen, because I can’t sum it up here. Or don’t listen, if you’re not a fan of dark comedy or take everything literally.

Then Ari gets into Kosher Laws.

(What if) Some guy is making his cauldron of soup. And one of these goys—these shifty fucking goys, milling about and bringing down property values—reaches into his pocket. He pulls out some ham. When nobody is looking, he dunks the ham right in the soup.
Can you eat the soup or not?

His Jewish audience delights in knowing the Waste of the 60th Rule. This rule posits that so long as treif (non-kosher) contaminants make up less than 1/60th (1.66%) of a total volume, it’s OK to eat. Have 61+ gallons of soup? Talmud says someone, not you, can add 1 gallon of bacon. Have 59 gallons and someone adds bacon? Ari jokes, “It’s obviously ham soup. Pour it out on the street.”

I have been told by the severely persecuted goyim [/s] that Jews follow this 1/60th rule. But I don’t even keep kosher.

Outside of their version of the world, where affluent Christians are the most persecuted group, or Islamists have done nothing wrong, anyone who actually has a Jewish friend know’s 1/60th is BS. Kashrut-followers are famously picky. 1/600th does not even work for them. They wont eat at non-kosher, vegan restaurants, or drink non-kosher wine, even if they can not tell you why.

Ari continues in his clearly sardonic manner, poking fun of our haters:

Jews do love loopholes. That’s what makes us such great tax attorneys. We find loopholes then we exploit them. …
You can’t covet your neighbor’s wife. One of the things you covet is their hair. Hair is an attractive quality in a woman. … So these Jewish women, who are just as smart as Jewish men, they went looking for loopholes. They went to their rabbi. ‘Can we cover up our hair with… somebody else’s hair?’… We propose we cover up our hair with some hair we bought in China, so it’s not us they’re attracted to. It’s Sung Lee from China.

Some Jews love loopholes, like some Mormons do. Some Jewish women cover their hair with wigs, which probably make their neighbors covet them more. There are self-selected loopholes about shabbat and food. And there is BS that people obsessed with Jews think to be truth, but Jews and allies know is not true.

Hateful ideology always relies on playing the victim. The far left loves to rant about marginalizations, while the far right rants about their rights being infringed. Ultimately, they’re saying the same thing. It just grows to be pathetic when people are making up lies in order to feel victimized. Could you imagine being so short on problems, you need to make one up?

If someone asks you about being a practicing a Jew, simply take a cue from Paul Rudd and say, “No. I’m not a practicing Jew. I perfected it.” And thank G-d, nobody actually follows scripture to a T (or “to a ✡︎”, in our case).